"The only reason I come into to work is to see if
MesaQuotes has been updated. If it weren't for that,
I'd be working on Leslie's Mayoral Campaign."
--mray@fundsxpress.com
...
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Come on Mike where's your faith?"
meburns@mesas.com: "I left it out in the car so I'd have some when I got
out of this place!"
...
"Most daring HTML since Miss Siagon" -Broadway Review
I was one of the "Founding Programmers" of Mesa...er...FundsXpress, and in the 5 or so years I was
there I collected lots of funny things people've said. I know, it
sounds like another Bill Cosby show, but, trust me, this is the
good stuff. Every quote is credited, and every one of them is
genuine. And as with any "inside joke," some of 'em won't make any
sense to you, but others'll raise a ruckus.
For fotes of some of the people quoted here, see the
Mesa96Days fotes or other FX Pages.
14 Aug 2000 While looking through the weblog for FX/Mesa Quotes, I noticed a lot
of people get her from totally unrelated searches. Boy, they're a riot:
Once again, proof that the Internet is pretty much used for dumb shit.
14 May 2000 - I no longer work at FX, but chardin@fundsxpress.com has sent
me a new round of quotes culled from his logs. Thus: an update! The ones at the top are older, and if you'd
like to get to more recent quotes, I've anchored the newer quotes.
3 May 2000 - Today is my last working day at good old FundsXpress, ¡que triste!
But there's still plenty of quotes to put up. Chuck has sent me, yet again, a wonderful list
culled from his logs, etc. So this update will be a time-warp of sorts, but I'm sure you can
handle it. In my off time, I intend to reformat this page: it's startin' to look butt-ugly.
2 May 2000 - Something was down, so I took the chance to update the mesaquotes. Good
old Chuck (chardin@fundsxpress.com, not cowboyd@umich.edu), sent a whole batch of old
ones. Don't let the time warp mess ya up!
4 Apr 2000 - More quotes. As CowboyD said with his butter and pan cakes
at the Fleetwood Cafe, "Buuud-OWWW!" See the Sexual Harassment ScanIns for more new quotes.
22 Feb 2000 - It's about a month past now, and time for more
quotes. Also note the addition of some anachronistic Mesa Pages.
27 Jan 2000 - New Year, and a few new quotes.
23 Dec 1999 - I'm soon off to Baja, Mexico. I hope that I
will not become sick. As I may die due to apocalypse, here's the
latest update. This file is now frickin' huge, but it's all gravy, and white
gravy at that, not that low-rent vegan brown imitation gravy. Yuh!
2 Dec 1999 - The Fall 99 semester almost over for me, and the
giddy months
of winter are soon upon us, friends. To keep those fingers warm and those heads
noddin', I give you the Dec Quotes. Enjoy yourself, and please, no gambling.
07 Oct 1999 - A new update exactly a month later. In this installment,
we get silly with Spanish and song parodies. Yuh!
07 Sep 1999 - At Kinman's insistance,
I updated the quotes. Unfortunitly, I was in too much of a rush to spell check. I'm sure
I'll be judged for this in The End.
05 Aug 1999 - Things were slow so it was time for an update. In this lot, get a load
of chardin@fundsxpress.com, he's one funny fella.
(Note: The top of the list contains several older quotes. You can jump to
newer quotes if you'd like.)
"Oh, go 'make' an intact pineapple with a nice spiky skin."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, ending a discussion about defecation
"Maybe we could go to a tty bar and pick up some extras for our use..."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, trying to solve the problem with multiple
logins on utwig
"I would like to start up a new betting pool. The idea various people bet on
what the major holy war of the day / week is going to be; the better may
do anything in their power to further the holy war of course."
-- mhat@fundsxpress.com, being unhelpful
"Well, vi runs better under Linux, and 9mm pistols are for wimps, and abortion
should be (insert opposing view here). So there."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, being even less helpful
"No one should ever be under the illusion that:
1) I am a senior developer
2) I set policy or influence policy
3) I have pull
4) I can kill terminals"
-- aburns@fundsxpress.com
"We have an fx customer with an access_id of BIGHUMMER.
The best part is he lives in Little Rock, Arkansas."
-- mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Yeah, well, I think we should strangle a live rat whenever someone pushes a
change into mainline."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, irked with the squeaking rat
"Hell for us, fun for them. The basis of all comedy."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, STILL irked with the squeaking rat
"Well, if you feel that way about it, kill the man and get it over with. I
can't stand people who won't do their own killing."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, in response to someone's irritation with a
manager
"Yeah, Louis, life sure sucks for multibillion-dollar banks."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
sofia@fundsxpress.com suggests an error emssage for NSF bills:
"The payment could not be debited or sent out because there were
insufficient funds in your account. It has been rescheduled to go out
the next business day.
Please verify your online account balance. If there are sufficient
funds, please soak a leather glove in water. Find your financial
institution representative and smack him or her repeatedly while
reciting the list of errors. The payment will be sent out tommorow and
we are very, very sorry.
If there not sufficient funds, please find a better job, stop wasting
money, and learn enough responsibility to ensure sufficient funds are
present in your account to cover payments you yourself schedule.We are
not sorry, as this problem appears to be your own damn fault."
"I go on one day of vacation and
1) kinman looses all his hair
2) mhat cuts his hair and dons a suit (mgmt material)
3) sam puts a suit on
4) chuck joins a rebelion outfit
5) davidb wears body armor
6) lindaa joins some sort of japanese bordello"
-- kurt@fundsxpress.com, dealing poorly with Halloween
mray@fundsxpress.com: "Resorting to cannibalism, that's your answer to
everything chuck."
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "Hey, I'm not saving this box of People Helper
forever!"
aburns@fundsxpress.com: "It's interesting. Back in the 19th century you could
become famous from murdering 5 people. Now you've
got to be up in the twenties for the press to take
notice."
michael@fundsxpress.com: "Indeed, these are heady times. We've always expected
more from our youth."
The dispute over chardin's Great Wall of China wind-up coin bank:
kurt@fundsxpress.com: chucks bank is going bye bye
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Touch it and die.
kurt@fundsxpress.com: I would whip it to death if I still had my whip
chardin@fundsxpress.com: And you would shortly thereafter resemble something
Mapplethorpe would have chosen to photograph.
chardin@fundsxpress.com: There is no such thing as a fine tie-dyed shirt.
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: Then brother, you don't know fine!
"The great thing about tie-dyed shirt is that you can bleed on them
and nobody cares."
-- mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Bijan, a clothing designer, once developer a bulletproof shirt. It was not
much protection, though; the bullet would not penetrate the shirt, but it wouldn't
stop the bullet either."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
"I remember when my mom taught in a trailer. They told her in case of a
tornado, for everyone to stay in the trailer, and duck under the
desks. My mother, being a Ft. Worth native, knew better. 'No way in
heck am I doing that! We're all running into the gym or a ditch!' When
she informed the faculty council that their trailer tornado plan was
faulty, they took notice, 'you may have a point there...'. I don't
know if they ever changed it, though."
-- aburns@fundsxpress.com
"A sample PDF loan application provides the following help for 'Years of
School':
High School = 12 years
Bachlor Degree = 16 years
Masters/Doctorate = 20+ years
If the person truly doesn't understand the question, perhaps this is not the
educational spectrum the help should cover. I suggest:
Whut? = 0 years
Elementary school = 6 years
etc."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
"I understand that a co-pilot in the recent EgyptAir crash is suspected of
kamikaze ambitions, since he gave voice to a fatalistic prayer on the way to
his death. I'm not sure I agree with the logic of that, but if it turns out
to be true, I have two remedies to propose:
1. 'Nobody Is My Co-Pilot'
Only atheists are allowed to pilot planes. Regular demonstrations of
irreligiosity are required.
2. 'Order, Order'
Ten pilots are assigned to each flight, and a simple majority must approve
any piloting decision. No fast electronic gadgets either -- Robert's
Rules of Order only! After each flight, the flight recorder is sent to
a team of lawyers, who evaluate each pilot on their adherence to Robert's
Rules. These evaluations form the sole basis for promotion."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
"It's easier to crack wise than to write code, otherwise programming would
pay less than heckling.
"Note that, Louis: PROGRAMMING PAYS BETTER THAN HECKLING."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
"I had a friend who thought that a-umlaut was a fuckin-a."
-- chowe@fundsxpress.com
"if chuck can come up with that wierd sh** when he is awake, just imagine
what he thinks of in his sleap."
-- kurt@fundsxpress.com
"I find it funny that Bill Gates is moving on to the position of system
architect. Sam, welcome your new colleague!"
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
"chardin zephyrs are carefully screened against any hint of unwholesomeness
or improper content. Rest assured that they are perfectly safe to read to
children, the mentally impaired, and product managers."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
`;-. ___,
`.`\_...._/`.-"`
\ / ,
/() () \ .' `-._
|) . ()\ / _.'
\ -'- ,; '. <
;.__ ,;| > \
/ , / , |.-'.-'
(_/ (_/ ,;|.<`
\ , ;-`
> \ /
(_,-'`> .'
(_,'
-- chowe@fundsxpress.com
_ _
|_| |_|
| | /^^^\ | |
_| |_ (| 'o' |) _| |_
_| | | | _ (_---_) _ | | | |_
| | | | |' | _| |_ | `| | | | |
| | /_ _\ | |
\ / / /|. .|\ \ \ /
\ / / / | . | \ \ \ /
\ \/ / ||U|| \ \/ /
\__/ || || \__/
ooO Ooo
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
Hans says: "Only some little girly-man machine couldn't pump out a cvs
update in a real hurry. What is wrong, Mr. Utwig? You are afraid of me
and Franz?"
-- aburns@fundsxpress.com
"Sacrifice your pride on the altar of FX? Hm. I have tried to go it another
way: Remaining indifferent to the trouble I cause."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Okay, it's official: Either my proposed addition to
FXAPI is correct, or nobody gives a damn. Either
way, the change is going in.
jemorris@fundsxpress.com: always the best way to handle it :)
"Okay, I'm adding to FXAPI -- oh, begyerludshipspardon, I'm submitting a
diff to FXAPI."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
hartmans@fundsxpress.com: "I wish Arley was a billpayer. I would generally
believe he would get around to paying bills
submitted to him."
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "Don't let that innocent facade and Bastrop haircut
fool you. He's a wild man."
"FXCIM *is* the bug."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com
plarson@fundsxpress.com: If you started out your sentence with "Free Donuts
in the..." We'd be listening..
thom@fundsxpress.com: What about, "Well, it should just work."
scott@fundsxpress.com: no i don't like that, because when you say that it
dosn't work.
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Well, the droids did all the real work in Star
Wars...but who gets all the medals? R2D2 is the
Uncle Tom of the AI revolution!
michael@fundsxpress.com: Didn't they get medals at the end of the second
movie or something? They at least got a good polishing.
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Faugh! Who does all the work? The robots! Who's
not good enough to allow in the bar at Mos Eisley,
which admits all manner of scum? Robots!
jemorris@fundsxpress.com: who doesn't even get to feel the Force, because
they're not living things? Robots!
"I'll bet you could make a pretty good robotic Jedi. Not that I favor those
rebellious rabble -- the Empire offered stability and security, despite all
the propaganda we've seen from their opponents -- but it's a thought."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"Apparently, polygamy does not lead to good web design skills."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on http://www.polygamy.org/
"Saying something makes sense to Jamie, you or I is mostly independent
of saying it is reasonable."
--hartmans@fundsxpress.com to mhat@fundsxpress.com
aburns@fundsxpress.com: "85% of the world's fisherman are in Asia, but they
produce only 1/3 of the world's catch..."
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "...the remaining fish are supplied by one hillbilly
with a generator in the back of his pickup, and a
lot of dynamite sticks."
"This wouldn't have happened if you'd been a better person."
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com responding without sympathy to an aburns core dump
"If you insist upon singing/whistling theme songs, stick with 'Welcome Back,
Kotter' and 'The Rockford Files'.
Verboten:
'Friends'
'Chico and the Man'
'MASH'"
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, layin' down the law on all this whistling of
show themes
"In medieval times, impalement was referred to as 'rydynge the one-legged
horse.'"
--chardin@fundsxpress.com, educating his fellow developers
"It is not as it was in the days of my youth, when sobriety and discretion
prevailed, and everyone attended the dog's funeral."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com, on the low attendance at the last A&M mascot
funeral
"So you're okay with murder, but not with guns. I guess there'll be a lot of
people pushed out of windows in Scott Phillips' America :)"
-- chardin@fundsxpress.com, on scott's proposal for an object-oriented
Constitution
"When Arley thinks I'm an excessively extreme gun nut, I *know* I'm in
trouble."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"Children, children. No wonder I can't get my designs approved.
Everybody is busy throwing up into the nearest wastebasket."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com, complaining about gross zephyrgram exchanges
So I came in today and saw all the boxes and thought, how nice, he
left me mints so i woulnd't miss him! but the boxes were empty...how
symbolic.
--sofia@fundsxpress.com, on Matt's donation of 10 empty Altoid Boxes
"I'm just wondering how they found the little nipples."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on rice milk
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Most acts of invention are carried out by the
sexually frustrated.
daniel@fundsxpress.com: i bow to chucks humor
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Don't bow too low...I have invented a few things.
mhat@fundsxpress.com: many things in life could/should be impossible, but
they aren't. for example, i believe it should be
impossible for a 600 pound woman to be a porn star.
mhat@fundsxpress.com: i find i want to quote stories from the onion, but
fear that i will offend too many people.. so i will
refrain for the moment.
chardin@fundsxpress.com: So you'll tell us about 600-lb. porn stars, but The
Onion makes you squeamish?
"The metoozits and the woohoozits sent email one day
to clamour on board a pat on the back for Mr. Lime Light, they say,
When much to their surprise, mr viri came by,
and caused all of their email clients to die.
(I can't dr seuss it, maybe chuck can expand)"
mkinman@fundsxpress.com
Miscellaneous observations by michael@fundsxpress.com about the Southern
proletarian influences apparent in Star Wars:
"How about "'The Endor Hillbillies!'"
"The folks said, Luke Move away from there!
They said Dagoba is the place you wanna be,
So he loaded up R2 and became a Jedieee!"
"How about the $25,000 Yoda Challange.
'Thinking I am of word means that...'"
"Win, Loose, or Suffocate with the Force.
The Board game for the whole family. From Milton Bradly!"
"Now what the Duke boy's didn't expect was
that Boss Hog had a fully operation battle platform.
Now how were they gonna get outta this one?"
"Hell, that pod race was pretty Smokey and the Bandit."
"Sometimes we apologize for the inconvience' of bill
reschedulings. Sometimes we don't. Fascinating."
--aburns@fundsxpress.com
"okay. i still fail to see the point; what you describe is misleading and full
at tech-speak jargon that is effectivly meaningless since you also explicitly
state that it has not relovence to implementation. If you want to say that
*Account objects typically have the same methods, thats fine but do it in a
easily readable fashion."
--the lovable mhat@fundsxpress.com
"Anyone can be obscure; this does not imply profundity. Not every mud puddle
is a mile deep."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"My God, I got mhat to admit he was wrong about something!"
--fgarcia@fundsxpress.com
aburns@fundsxpress.com: Lo that I dwell in Mesech, among the tents of Kedar.
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Just don't start killing every process that pisseth
against the wall.
aburns@fundsxpress.com: ps aux|grep male|get-pid|xargs kill
chardin@fundsxpress.com: That would also kill Israelite processes. A bug!
"If I ever get old and grizly and buy a delapidated nuclear power plant
and change my name to Mr. Burns---wait a minute..."
--aburns@fundsxpress.com
Comments during a backup recovery:
hartmans@fundsxpress.com: Where, o where, on this tape is that elusive data?
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Come back with your shield or on it, Sam.
hartmans@fundsxpress.com: OK, we're going to win.
scott@fundsxpress.com: Excellent smithers, release the hounds.
"Ah, orthodoxy through obscurity. One of the many lovable aspects of life
at FX."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
plarson@fundsxpress.com: We should have a button on the wall to "punt"
conversations that are really bugging us.
chardin@fundsxpress.com: I should point out, at some risk to myself, that
this button is mounted on the tip of the speaker's
nose.
"Ok, let's start our own company. we can start a 1-900 service for people who
have no one to talk to, so they call us and we can bullshit about things
with them."
--plarson@fundsxpress.com, on devteam's penchant for aimless but
interesting conversations
"emacs speak is like 'this is net talk express, the last thing you will
understand, griblpse uaoetuhoe oercg.,rcghurchoerh'"
--scott@fundsxpress.com
daniel@fundsxpress.com: Uh, so your not allowed to keep passwords in your
desk?
chardin@fundsxpress.com: Why would I write down my own name and put it in my
desk?
"I think when everyone logs in there should be this announcer voice
kind of like a boxing match
Now logging in as user daniel
weighing in with the password of Dfjsgsdfjh
Dan the Man Mallinger!!!!!!!"
--daniel@fundsxpress.com
"Hey, when sysadmins speak, uh no one cares, unless the sentence starts out--
There was a small problem with a harddisk last night and the backup....."
--thom@fundsxpress.com
"Cote': on his way to more domain name debauchery."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com after showing cote@fundsxpress.com domainmonger.com
"Woo-hoo! Programmer politics: always a just notch above Jerry Sprininger!
It's like, all generation of new thought stopped in Junior high when they
were deathly afraid of their dad walking in on them
masturbating."
--cote@fundsxpress.com
Subject: good bye
Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 16:22:47 -0500
From: Jean Pierre Louis <jplouis@fundsxpress.com>
To: DevelopmentTeam
Well, today is the day. I have really enjoyed working here with each
and every one of you in. I have learned a lot while I have been here
and appreciate the time everyone has taken to explain and to teach
things to me. I am sure I will see many of you again and perhaps even
work with some of you in the future.
email: jplouis@jump.net
--
Jean-Pierre Louis
Former Development Programmer for FX
jplouis: "Do we have to drag you out of here?"
kurt: "By my nuts?"
jplouis: "I want to get a Suburban; I want to be a soccer mom."
"I like being on the top with all those men under me."
--sperkins@fundsxpress.com
sperkins@fundsxpress.com: "As I was just wandering the halls, I
couldn't help but notice that the majority of our glorious leaders
have already left for the holiday weekend....I also can't help but
wonder what in the world the rest of us are still doing here?!?!?"
muaddib@fundsxpress.com: "These pr's can't wait for jesus."
Authentic Personal message at 10:45:41 on Thu Apr 20 2000
From: Grade A bonafide
To: michael@MESAS.COM
From my friend, Jonathan Hunt:
Matt,
You are ugly and people think that you smell bad. The smell seems to come
from your socks. I still like you.
Your Friend,
Jonathan Hunt [friend of Kinman]
"You gotta admit at least there is good theatre here."
--Jay Payne refering to the current SQL flamewar
Authentic -i dba message at 10:02:55 on Thu Apr 20 2000
From: John Arley Burns
To: *
It's kinda exciting. After all that depressing portal work going nowhere,
there's finally some devteam action. Kinda like your favorite sports team
on a long loosing streak, then you turn the channel and the pitcher is beating
on the short stop...
Kinman's Schedule:
7AM : Arrive at work; Chuckle over last nights Simpson episodes
8:30 AM : Cote' arrives; make stupid jokes till Cote' runs off to
get coffee.
9 AM: Listen to Daily Louis Monolog.
9:45-10AM: Kurt comes. He tries to get Kinman to do stupid things.
10AM-11:30AM: Experence generel ennui and crushing feeling of nihilism,
or was it just gas from mornings breakfast of "Toasty O's" and
pop-tarts.
11:30AM: Lunch! Tell fellow "Lunch-Bunchers" How much work sucks.
12:30PM-5:30PM: Codin' and Jokin'; Say the phrase, "Yeeaaaaaahhhh..." a lot.
rakesh@fundsxpress.com: "Yeah, I'm going to Antonio's again."
elzes@fundsxpress.com: "What, is it some special occasion?....Last Monday of the week?"
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
We outta have an utwig mongoos race like Paul Bunon and the Chainsaw salesman.
"And then, why, Paul and that big blue moose of his went off into the
forest, and they weren't seen for again. But sometimes, when the snow falls
just right, and the wind falls in from the mountains, you can still hear
old Paul and Babe, choppin' and singin' and snortin'."
Vive la Jamon!
"Somebody shoot me." : kurt
"No, shoot him with your flesh musket."-dorr
"No, no, I don't think I'll be doing that."-jplouis
Dude...it shouldn't be hard. have you heard of the "E"-vangelist? Well,
that's me. In other words, I "E" therefore I "AM". My pipes are so phat that
I have to close the valve to limit bandwidth. My "E"-solutions are almost
"E"-rotic.
--"E" aka, John_Borthayre@Dell.com
michael@fundsxpress.com: "Did she say they're not going to have a code sample?"
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "That is correct."
michael@fundsxpress.com: "Isn't that like not boning before you get married?"
jplouis@fundsxpress.com: "I had a dream about programming in Java."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "Were you naked?"
dorr@fundsxpress.com: "After we're done here we should sober up at Brick Oven."
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "I'm not hungry."
dorr@fundsxpress.com: "No, at the bar at Brick Oven."
"I don't think girls misspell words like 'coming.'"
--muaddib@fundsxpress.com
muaddib@fundsxpress.com: "I think my class had enough votes to choose Beethoven's 9th
as our class song. But the administration over-rode the vote
and chose 'Forever Young'"
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "That's the saddest story I've ever heard."
muaddib@fundsxpress.com: "Their reasoning was that the choir couldn't sing Beethoven's
9th"
cote@fundspxress.com: "What will you do after you guys finish FXIM?"
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "We'll have conquered the world, we'll have
taken every part of the world there is, there will be nothing
left. We'll cry."
She's a very hefty pig....
The kind you should bring home for din-nuh!
Super Heifer, Super Heifer,
She's Super Bacon!
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
Ooompa loompa doopity do,
I could eat a lunch very soon.
Ooompa Loompa doopity die,
If we get burgers, I'll probably get fries.
What do you get when its lunch time?
A very hungry stomach but thats not a crime.
Oompa loompa doopity dub,
I think we better go get some grub.
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"You can't just grow a mullet like that overnight!"
--mray@fundsxpress.com on a gent's mullet at Chuy's
"Next time you get angry at HTML, just remember that FX would be
writing 'Multimedia Applications' and waiting for Microsoft to buy us
out if it weren't for HTML."
--michael@fundsxpress.com
dorr@fundsxpress.com: "Spell chihuahua."
hartmans@fundsxpress.com: "No."
dorr@fundsxpress.com: "All right, who's on crack."
lindaa@fundsxpress.com: "I wish I were."
"Paint our butts white and run with the antelope, that's what."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"Sometimes you sound like a 1980's gansta giving props to his homeys.
Other times, you sound like a 'Great Aunt Melmba' with horned rimmed
glasses and an addiction to cough syrup."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com to cote@fundsxpress.com
Personal message at 12:31:20 on Tue Mar 7 2000
From: Yahoo serious is <mkinman>
To: michael@MESAS.COM
Ouch!
It's like rain, when you're the wicked witch of the east.
It's a free ride, of your underwear up your butt crack.
Isn't it metaphorical, don't you think?
A little too metaphorical, and yeah I really do spin this yarn.
"Nah, drunks don't get violent...people who do that coke stuff get violent."
--rakesh.
$ zwrite mkinman
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
(Hypothetical Rakesh conversation)
Hey, Kinman..<tilts head and squints eyes>..you ever done that coke stuff?
Kinman: Uh...?
Yeah, <talking real fast now> cause I was thinking of trying some.
Kinman: Ha...ha...?
mkinman: Message sent
"ORA-Error 275: your life has just got fucked."
--dorr@fundsxpress.com
James: I bet if people could see the smoke coming from the printer
they would think there's a problem.
Matt: I've never seen Australia.
James: And there's no problem.
Matt: I've never seen Daniel's butt.
Daniel: Hey Matt, I've got something to show you.
James: Now, there's a problem.
"No, JP, no one grabbed your ass. You sat down on my finger."
--dorr@fundsxpress.com
Re: Mardi Gras
dorr@fundsxpress.com: Trust me, I have friends who go around and show it for beads.
lindaa@fundsxpress.com: Men or women?
dorr@fundsxpress.com: Both.
mray@fundsxpress.com: New Orleans or here in Austin?
dorr@fundsxpress.com: I don't want to know. The last thing I want to do is go around
the corner and see one of my friends whipping it out "dwoop"
mray@fundsxpress.com: It wouldn't be so bad without the sound effect.
hartmans@fundsxpress.com: That written procedure is not followed.
sofia@fundsxpress.com: (a weak somewhat downcast smile)
daniel@fundsxpress.com (looking at sofia): But thanks for writing it.
$ zwrite mkinman mray
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
Maybe they're mentioned in one of those "Lost Episodes" of the Bible...
the "Apocrypha" or whatever.
Like, the whole Clowns "books":
Clowns 15:4
Only men of full stature shall be clowns, the Lord said to
Bozo;
"Do not allow midgets to become clowns, for it will scare
your children, and your children's children, and you
too Aunt Sally, and your cousin Billy."
So Bozo went down to the 3 ring big top and smote down
all the clowns who where midgets as The Lord has vieledly
suggested;
"I have smote the midgets clowns, for THE LORD hath told
me that midget clowns would scare my children, and
my children's children, and, lo, even you Aunt Sally,
and your cousin Bill."
mkinman: Message sent
mray: Message sent
"Cote, what did I tell you about the happy gas? Heh Heh..."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
$ zwrite jplouis
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
Indeed. I need my own Cable Network: Cote' Cable.
At 7AM it's Cote' in the Morning..."Today we're going to show you how to cook
bacon: not to crispy, not too soft."
At the noon hour it's Fishin' with Cote'..."While I'm a-waitin' for a bite,
I like to drink and nap."
And for the kids, at 4PM it's Cote' the Clown..."Hey Kids! Were are Cousin
Squidklies Under-pants?!"
During prime-time, at 8PM, it's Cote' in Charge..."Now you 3 raskley little
girls, where did you hide my spatula! <LAUGH TRACK>
And to keep you company at night, it's Chattin' with Cote..."Tonight,
folks we have special guest Arley Burns, A door to door salesman, and
we're going to show you how to make your very own cream pies!"
jplouis: Message sent
$ zwrite jplouis
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
Until then, we'll just have to enjoy syndication of my Late 80's hit
show, "21 Cote' Street" : a young Cote' works with a gaggle of other young,
but not as handsome kids, to fight crime and get free cheese cubes at Safe Way.
jplouis: Message sent
$ zwrite mkinman mray jplouios
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
And then on Nightline, "THIS IS Nightline...tonight, the front-end group
has taken everyone in the legal department hostage and is force feeding
them bacon until their demands for neon-colored post-it notes are met.
Tonight we have Comendante Cote' with us, Good evening Comendante.
"Good evening you yellow post-it not using scum! I have just feed 5 pounds
of bacon to a lawyer and I informed THEM that the bacon was intended for
their consumption only, and if they received bacon not intended for them,
to immediately destroy said bacon. We have a new demand! We will
yell an holler the word 'PORK' over the intercom every 3 minutes until
we are given an open bar with chauffeur to get us home and mirror shaded
sun glasses to make us look cool--"
"The Audi Station wagon...for high pursuit family chases."
--michael@fundsxpress.com
"Hey MA! Don't ever name your fieldspace the same as your HTML file!"
--mkinman@fundsxpress in Slack-jawed Yokel Mode
"There's effective 'mangling'? How can you do that?...'That's some damn
good mangling!"
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Can we leave a production server smelling like this?"
--jhemm@fundsxpress.com
"I wonder if martial arts ever get confused with marital arts."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Maybe I'm just weird, but I find Grapenuts for lunch delicious."
--aburns@fundsxpress.com
"I also like normal food like matzos, lentil soup, and sashimi."
--aburns@fundsxpress.com
"No more happy gas for you before work, Cote."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
sperkins@fundsxpress.com: "I like the King Frog."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "Why?"
sperkins@fundsxpress.com: "Because I need a man."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "David Orr is available."
sperkins@fundsxpress.com: "No he isn't. He's David Orr."
michael$ zwrite mkinman
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
But, folks, the real question we need to ask is...what about lunch?
And, good God, ya'll, what about it?
I'm tryin' to cut back on the burgers, son, but I like piddling around
with lunch. Perhaps, as an "alternative," I'll just eat my
lasagna. Some would say, "COTE-BABY! That's not spelled right, and
that's not going out!"
To which I would say, "So I contradict myself? So I DO!"
At which point, I would join together all the parts of the company
like Vultron, take up the magic sword of FX-Truth and go mail a letter
next door after getting an eye exam across the street.
The short and long of it, Kinman. I don't know what to do about lunch. And,
I'm "down for whatever."
mkinman: Message sent
"Some people think plastic bag...I immediately thought of how much
garbage this is going to hold."
--muaddib@fundsxpress.com on a large plastic bag from Eckerds
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "Dave needs to get off his ass..."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "Dave lives on his ass."
dtompkins@fundsxpress.com: "Since Daniel's got married he's cleaned up."
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "Nah! Look! I still haven't tied my shoes yet."
rwhite@fundsxpress.com: "How long has it been since you've played Star Craft?"
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "...shut-up..."
"It was the swiss army chain-saw of search methods."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on Scott's search object.
"Nobody heckle me, I've got nothing to lose."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"You're ugly, your dick is small, and everybody fucks
your mother!!...I've always wanted to say that to a
heckler."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com to dorr, the heckler.
"I believe you will pay on your loan if we take your
liver."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on lending strategies.
"We don't want to know that our women fart, lay cable, or
check out sweaty hot bods."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"God has a hard-on for marines because we kill anything we see."
--jharaber@fundsxpress.com
"So Matt, how's the FXIM project going?
'Dunno, but I'm immortalized on Mesa Quotes!'"
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com on hypothetical conversations
"Remember White Cloud toilet paper? 'It's the little things that
mean a lot!'...That's what she said."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
Authentic Personal message at 12:44:12 on Tue Feb 8 2000
From: Pork Chops and the sauce of a <mkinman> on utwig.mesas.com
To: michael@MESAS.COM
We're all artists at heart.
No artist like writing a requirements spec for their next nude sculpture:
1)Man must not be pudgy.
2)Man must not have any noticeable scaring.
3)I like hair.
michael@fundsxpress.com: "Yeah, not unlike when Zeus took a great knife
and whacked Kronos' nuts off--"
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "--the fuck?"
"Carle said research had shown over 18 percent of Furbies were bought for adults
while children favor them because they become a companion which
captures their imagination...Shelby can speak more than 80 words and
has animated antenna and mouth and eyes which move up, down and
sideways."
Indeed. I await the application of such technology for the 30-50 year
old bachelors who want that "special something" to "capture their
imagination at night."
--michael@fundsxpress.com
"When the wife's away it's burgers and boat shows!"
--michael@fundsxpress.com on mkinman@fundsxpress.com's "When the Cat's away" life-style
Authentic Personal message at 11:30:31 on Thu Jan 27 2000
From: A stitch in time saves <mkinman> on utwig.mesas.com
To: michael@MESAS.COM
You need a new section of mesa quotes:
"Too HOT for the public!"
"My life is but a dream. Or my life is buttered cream...I can't
ever get that straight."
--Matt Kinman, ESQ. (mkinman@fundsxpress.com)
"That Matt Ray, he knows how to find a good mullet."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
/a/utwig/utwig-1w/home/michael$ zwrite mray
Type your message now. End with control-D or a dot on a line by itself.
Indeed, should I leave my desk to relieve myself, or, to get a fresh
tea, the midget-mullet
can act as an apt and able sentinel against prying eyes. They'll
approach my little desk thinking, "Now that *he's* away, I'll take a
peak at his e-mail archive," but, lo, upon approach the
midget mullet will ward them off. A fine plan, Matt, and one
I fully intend to enact.
Yuh!
mray: Message sent
jplouis@fundsxpress.com: "So, you'll bite anything someone puts in your hand?"
mujer@fundsxpress.com: "I have problems eating anything that looks or smells foul."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "You wouldn't make a very good lesbian."
"Was it Kierkiguard or Dick Van Pattenthat said,
'You can only make some people happy all of the time'?
Heh,heh,heh...mule."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
sofia@fundsxpress.com:"He's also suggested I maintain a developer's
web site. The irony of that is I suggested it 9 months ago."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "Well, that's how long a pregnancy takes."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "I ain't lickin' no stamps."
kurt@fundsxpress.com: "You get to stuff."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "That's what she said."
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "Just don't use the words 'Daniel' and 'Love' in the same sentence."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "What, is that a dirty word, 'Daniel Love'?"
"Remember that old quote, 'Don't write any checks with
your mouth you're butt can't cash'?"
--?
"Crikey! My Whep's Spool Boy's Diary ripped it's spine!
My ol' school marm will spice my behind for sure!
Spare some Perl code, Gubner?"
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"I'm going to retreat into my cone of ignorance."
--daniel@fundsxpress.com
"I wish I had a never-ending ponytail."
--tborthayre@fundsxpress.com
"Hey honey, this radiation is causing my hair to come out in clumps! Ooo,
I need to remeber to go kill that guy on the other side of the hill and
steal his goats. Best use a Post-It note! Thanks Cote'!"
--cote@fundsxpress.com on post y2k plans to hoard Post-It notes.
kellyw@fundsxpress.com [to thomas's 10 year old son]: So, what has
your father told you about managing women?
Female Vendor Rep: Kelly, do you want to buy your own dinner?
kellyw@fundsxpress.com: After I got out of the army, I sooner
thought I'd be a gay priest up on a pedistal than join the National
Guard.
"I messed me drawers but I'm still happy."
--cote@fundsxpress.com on the "Bly me, guv'ner!" tip
dorr@fundsxpress.com: "Aah aah aah!"
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "The defensive monkey stance works again"
/home/mray$ perl -cw my_big_willy.pl
/home/my_big_willy.pl syntax OK
"They even have a vegetarian dish for those perverts"
--chardin@fundsxpress.com referring to the Buffet Palace
"I'm wearing my red dress!"
--chardin@fundsxpress.com re: FXmas Party Dress Code
"Thank god for penicillin."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
kurt@fundsxpress.com: "Sometimes I hate people."
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "Don't worry: they hate you too."
sperkins@fundspress.com: "I like you, Kurt."
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "Sharon and kurt, sitting in a tree..."
jplouis@fundsxpress.com: "They need to sell Real Dolls with the optional Colostomy Bag"
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "For when the mouth just isn't good enough."
Subject: Clothing Comment
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999 10:16:33 -0600
From: Michael Cote'
To: jplouis@fundsx.com
CC: mkinman@fundsx.com, mray@fundsx.com
Kinman insisted that I comment upon your clothing today.
I have two suggested theme names, both derived from US city
abbreviations:
(1.) "NYC New Media" : Jean-Pierre is a stylish new media slave in the
go-go world of Silicon Ally New Media. When he's not at work
programming away, you can find him keeping abreast on the Alley's social scene,
martini in hand.
(2.) "SF Sexy but Straight" : "Whao, there boys," Jean-Pierre says
while picking up today's Chronicle, "I know I look sharp, but it's for ladies
only!"
(Fashion review and commentary care of Cote'. You're welcome!)
--
M. Cote'
"Are you one of those men who won't ask for directions?"
--lindaa@fundsxpress.com to dorr@fundsxpress.com
"But hot, passionate sex with an eight year old is quite illegal."
--Marvin Perez
"I think we should change utwig's name to Yuh!twig."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"It's easy to find shitty anything."
--davidb
"It's like a one man party over here."
--mray@fundsxpress.com to mkinman@fundsxpress.com
I sit here annoyed
People talk all around me
Time to go postal
--mray@fundsxpress.com
"Please don't mark your territory around here!"
--lindaa@fundsxpress.com to daniel@fundsxpress.com
"FundsXpress: The 60 Minutes of Internet Time (tm)."
--mray@fundsxpress.com
"They don't actually have to touch the base with their body, just the
bat."
--chowe@fundsx.com, on Cricket
"I felt it was a victory for the people of South Austin, when the
Crockett Arson Team set Westlake ablaze!"
--chardin@fundsx.com, on high school rivalries
"We had a suicide, car accident, a wrongful death, midsection with a
kitchen knife, a gunshot to the head: it was supposed to be the '6'
for 86, but only 5 died."
--chardin@fundsx.com, on deaths in his high school years
"The Internet Age: we can predict every deadline we'll slip."
--chardin@fundsx.com, on the Internet Age
laroth@fundsx.com: "Let me spew a managementism: it's the market that
sets our schedules."
chardin@fundsx.com: "Then the market should write our software!"
"We beleive in well-aged releases. Our product should have a robust
character, developed over time..."
---cote@fundsx.com, on a proposed new release motto!
"PornXpress... it looks like the idea is gonna come back!"
---chardin@fundsx.com, on the new Insurance and Loan projects
"It offers the things people in a guilty society like best: Secrecy
and Privacy."
---chardin@fundsx.com, on the success of Internet Porn
"Other Slogans to consider:
Beer is just a wrapper function for sex.
It ain't a product until Sam says it is.
We took the "e" out because FundSexPress is just too obvious.
I know, VP of "getting it on!"
Perl is the tool that our love turns.
It ain't a pile until MIC or marketing says it is!"
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"You boys need to pull over! Super Pig is dead ahead. You all better
take it easy."
--meburns@fundsxpress.com, "Rest Stop News."
"Yo, check it, when I go to sleep, I gotta get me one of those little
dryer sheets, cause I'm so electric, I'll shock a mofo if I don't have
that no-static-cling protection! Yuh!"
--cote@fundsxpress.com
"We like to keep the customer on their toes, never knowing where we'll
strike next! [We're kinda like COBRA.]"
--michael@fundsxpress.com
"YES! And a frog wouldn't bump its ass a'hoppin if it had wings."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com on requirements
"You know, it's kind of like a donkey with an accordian. Nobody knows
how he got it and he certainly doesn't know how to use it."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Dark in here isn't it? ...It's like a morgue."
--lroth@fundsxpress.com
"Don't upset the person who knows where you flush your toilet because
man, that would be a bad way to go"
--- chardin@fundsxpress.com
"I have two major problems with a master phone list: one because it's
too accessible, and, two, because I can't access it."
--hartmans@fundsxpress.com
"I'm not going to stand on a cow; I have my diginity."
--michael@fundsxpress.com
[We hear from Mike Burns]
Matt,
Look at me this way.
I research the web for news and information. To find quality news is
like finding quality items around the desktop. That means, you ought to
know what's appropriate for a researcher's office as well as a developers
office. Your workmates should understand that the researchers have been
picking up quality items for a long time, You all, like brains left in a
corner, must use the new money. Sometimes its easy to bargain with
developers because most of your efforts are in cash and very little in
savings. When you bargain with a researcher be sure your overall package
is good. Then pick up and use the things we have discarded.
Matt, there are a few good choices remaining. Call me - 452-6000 - Life
is worth joking about work.
"You know, if I didn't read the news at work I'd probably go home
earlier..."
--mray@fundsxpress.com
"ASCII-- It's like LaTeX without all those backslashes."
--aburns@fundsxpress.com
"I don't want to take it up the ass; I'm saving that for the man I
marry."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
[chardin@fundsxpress.com gives his side of the story:]
I am contributing the following quote in order to get my side of the
story in.
mhat was talking about how his mom frequently discusses her drug
acquisition and use habits with him. He mentioned that she did have
one moral boundary, however: She would not use hallucinogens.
My response: "That's a lot like saying, 'No, no, not up the ass. I'm
saving that for the man I marry!'"
"I don't care if it gives great blow jobs; I still think I'm going to
prefer Zane to QA software."
--mhat@fundsxpress.com
[To the tune of "Walking on The Moon" by The Police/Sting]
We can talk forever....
Talking about a code review.
We can disagree together....
All about, all about the front end....
Some, they say,
Shouldn't use JavaScript today, NO WAY!
Wishing for another GUI way....
Good way!
"You can always noun a verb."
--cote@fundsxpress.com
The FX "Piano Man" Song...
Mray likes his monitor topped with a squid,
And Jason likes Transformers more than any ol' kid!
(Alt: Mray's likes his monitor topped with a 'puss
And Chuck's a plain old maniac on the loos'!)
Arley's a man who lives his life by the Lord,
And Daniel's the one who drives fast on the road,
While we all sit codin' and drinkin; our beer.
Ladadadadada...
Now Chuck can quickly inform you, About the soviets or protoplastic goo,
But when mhat talks about linux, Or any other software, (quite the guru).
You know Chuck can talk all night!
Tia Linda puts us down when we laugh out loud,
And good ol' JP just wants DVD with complete surround sound.
John Burns is the one whose always travelin' afar,
And that Norma in Accountin' keeps puttin' bread in our jar!
Ladadadad da da dada...
Louis is a guy who wears white tennis shoes,
Kurt will kick a contractor or two!
Sofia is a writer of technical info,
And we have a recruiter named Renfro.
And little Cote', he's still just a kid in school,
He's still comes in to keep the front-end group cool.
But now he's gotta bug outta here!
Ladadada da dada...
"Well, at least some of the old monkeys like me remember the cold
water! :-)"
--aburns@fundsxpress.com on "Policy"
"What an adventurous man! I hope I'm not in the vicinity when he
turns into a fireball."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com commenting on an Austin driver
rakesh@fundsxpress.com: "Whatchu' talkin' about Chuck?"
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "I don't know..."
"Antes estoy en el trabajo, me gusta dar mi cocheabajo un poco,
'Como esta su papa?'"
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com: Austin Powers en Espanol
(To the tune of Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic.")
"It's like committing code, before the design spec is even made.
Isn't it FundsXpress...don't you think?"
--michael@fundsxpress.com
"Better a sore jaw than a neck gnawed on. I know what I'd pick."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com discussing the finer points of The Inferno.
Johnny in Spanish:
"Pues, Tengo que decirles Ed es tomando el 'Sauce'"
"Si, ha ha ha!"
"Es el production final y el esta muy boracho!"
"Su', senor, es correcto! Si!"
Estoy completamente nadiando el un piso de cerveza!
"Cuando tomo el liqour, siempre quiero tener una vaca grande.
Es necessario ponerme mano en la vaca porque se sente tan bueno!"
--Ed McMan goes to Mexico
"Un platano en mi joto es mejor de todos! SI!"
--Ed McMan goes to Mexico.
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "You know, I've done this so many times I should remember by now."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "'That's what she said.'"
(To the tune of "I Think We're Alone Now")
"Front-end behave....that's what they say when we're together.
Watch what you say....you must be mindful of our harrasment policy.
Now we're coding just as fast as we can,
Print out a requirement and try to get it approved...
Quickly running the code into the night
And then we submit a form, try to login, get an error, call a die and say...
'I think I can Mic-code now.'"
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"I always like to hang my hat on a hat rack.
Hat rack hang my hat do I.
I do not like broken hat racks.
I do not like them Pat my Adams."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com on God Knows What
chuck@fundsxpress.com: "I got really pissed at the evil mime at Sea World."
jplouis@fundsxpress.com: "That was a whale."
chuck@fundsxpress.com: "No wonder, I was really worried about underwater mimes."
"You relize that if men were multi-orgasmic, we'd never leave the house."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Have you ever had a Schwepps Ginger Ale? 'Cause I'm telling you,
it'll change your life."
--mwilliams@fundsx.com, in a hallway discussion with Rakesh
"Yeah, he just got back from Sonic. Loaded with a chili cheese dog
and ready for a Jihad."
--mray@fundsxpress.com on aburns@fundsxpress.com
Subject: Wisdom Tooth Removal, Monday at 9 A.M.
Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 18:19:30 -0500
From: Chuck Hardin
To: Development Team
I will undergo the removal of my last wisdom tooth Monday, August 23 at 9
A.M. There will be one of three outcomes:
1. I die. This sucks, but it's best for it to happen early in the Lending
project before I have made any irrevocable design decisions. I am told this
is an unlikely outcome.
2. It goes perfectly. I'll be in the office a fewhours after the surgery.
The surgeon thinks this is possible, but makes no promises.
3. Something in between, in which case I may be out for longer than that.
I will keep you posted.
--
Chuck Hardin
Programmer, FundsXpress
email:chardin@fundsxpress.com phone:5124932762
"All you need to say about women and water is: That bathing suit looks
mighty nice on you. I think it might be too loose fitting in the rear
area."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Well, supposedly Chris Farley and John Belushi were both quite witty;
but so is Steve Martin. So, wit knows no body size. I think I'll
have to say that use of words like, "Poop" and "Yoohoo" really can
flesh out wit."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"Maybe a more concise method: All you need to say about women and water
is: That bathing suit looks mighty nice on you. Wow, it seems to be a
little loose fitting in the rear area."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
"I suppose you subscribe to The Bard's maxim: Brevity is the soul of
wit. Which only begs the question, what, my dear Bard, is the *body*
of wit?"
--cote@fundsxpress.com
hartmans:
So, I still assert mhat was smoking crack when he equated the two,
but it happened to be good crack
re: zephyr convo on CAM aliases/lists.
"I know what you mean Sam. It's like trying to find a nice way to tell
your Sugar Daddy his dog is ugly."
--jharber@fundsxpress.com
"Whoring, hording, whatever. It's all the same at Microsoft."
-uncredited (daniel@fundsxpress.com)
"Why is it not mine to question,'Why?'?"
-jplouis@fundsxpress.com
Authentic Personal message at 11:19:03 on Tue Aug 24 1999
From: != on godzillagram.mesas.com
To: mkinman@MESAS.COM
Tara left her lunch at home, she sent me a haiku about it
No burrito here
How could I have left it there
Oh I miss it so.
Authentic Personal message at 13:20:04 on Tue Aug 24 1999
From: != on godzillagram.mesas.com
To: mkinman@MESAS.COM
More haikus from Tara
a baked potato
perhaps will substitute for
the lost burrito
still I feel regret
for lunch planned yet not consumed
my stomach wants food
"Hey Jean Pierre, your lips are more red than usual."
-zane@fundsxpress.com
"Emacs + x10 + lego mindstorms = fried egg"
-mray
"I would only get x10 if they had a controllable vibrator" -jplouis
"Dude, You can do that if you get a plug-in vibrator" - mkinman
"What's the point? I want a wireless vibrator"-mray
---[ High school Alumni Notes for mkinman@fundsxpress.com ]--
Graduated high school and decided to hell with college. I went into
asbestos clothing, a real growth industry. There, I met my true love,
cough medicine.
After many years of drinking cough medicine, I grew well, addicted to
it. I now have permanently stained purple teeth.
The "medicine" as I now like to call it causes me to have a very low
sperm count, and no self esteem. My weekend hobby, operating heavy
machinery, often ended in a torn up yard, smashed metal, and me passed
out over the wheel.
I now live in a cooperative in sunny Monterey Mexico where I raise
tobacco plants and two indigent spider monkeys; both named, "Syrup."
"We've upped our standards, now up yours!"
--chardin@fundsxpress.com addressing The Competition
Dear Redhat and E-Trade,
You owe me $10,000.
Sincerely,
Matt Ray.
"Someone asked what I would do if the toilet started talking to me in
the morning. Well, I'd start with an apology."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"Yeah, usually things just come to me, I don't plan them. That's what
I like best...when the aliens talk to me."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on his personal muses
"It's possible to program in c++ while totally missing the point of it.
I've seen it done."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"I always wondered exactly what constitutes a 'shit load.'
I think it probably depends on how high a fiber diet you
have."
--mkinman@fundsxpress.com
Subject: word
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 1999 10:33:03 -0500
From: Gina Kinman <gkinman@fundsxpress.com>
To: Matt Kinman <mkinman@fundsxpress.com>
Come on Eileen, oh I swear, all I need, is this moment, is everything,
you
get undress, and I'll make a big mess, from this moment, is
everything....
Whatever, these are not the words, I don't know them really. :-)
sofia@fundsxpress.com: "He laughs all the time...he's always snickering."
mkinman@fundsxpress.com: "It keeps my stomach in shape."
"You say no frequently, but you tend to deliver anyway."
--sofia@fundsxpress.com to mhat@fundsxpress.com
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "Actually, a Vikers'd be an expensive gun to feed, huh?"
cote@fundsxpress.com: "It's a party gun."
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "Uh-huh."
"What can we do to make people run zephyrs? We can send a message out
every half-hour, and if you don't respond in a few seconds, you die!"
---chardin@fundsx.com, on how to get developers to run zephyrs more consistency
"So he sent me the love letter, but I think he got the wrong person."
---sofia@fundsx.com
"He had a return address with his full name... So what we could do is
find his social security number, make some zero-value ach credits to
his account with each transaction being a line in a poem, and then in
his statement next month he would see:
ACH: OUR LOVE YOU SEE 0.00
ACH: IT CANNOT BE 0.00
ACH: BUT NOW I KNOW 0.00
ACH: YOUR ACCOUNT NUM THOUGH 0.00
I bet he'd think twice before sending you a letter again!"
---aburns@fundsx.com
"I guess you could say I was into pyrotechnics. One time I singe-d my
arm pretty well with rags and kerosene."
---chardin@fundsx.com, on early experiments with fire
"It's amazing what a swift kick in the ass can do to some
contractors!"
---kurt@fundsx.com, reference unknown
"Fortunately they delayed the release. Now I don't have to go into
Area 51 with orange robes and kerosene and set myself on fire."
---chardin@fundsx.com, on being relieved that the release was delayed
"What I think happens is that as the release approaches, and we have
all these bugs, everyone gets depressed and doesn't want to deal with
fixing bugs anymore. So someone says, 'hey, let's have a meeting!',
and so they forget the present and are happy."
---aburns@fundsx.com, on the large number of meetings as of late
"It's good to be beat up once in a while... it makes you mean!"
---jharber@fundsx.com, on why Rugby is good
"I just got a spam that promises: "ENLARGE YOUR PENIS 3-5 INCHES". I do not
believe it, since it is not written on toilet paper."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"I tried Vivarin once...but it just kept me awake by making my heart hurt."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
zane@fundsxpress.com: "You're a fuck-head chuck."
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "...actually, for awhile, on local BBSes I
used that as an alias. I had this wonderful pic of a head with a dick
stuck through it!"
"I'm gonna go cry in Ops. I'll see if pity and revulsion will do what encouragment
couldn't."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on new motivational stratigies
jplouis@fundsxpress.com: "You know there is a difference between porn and erotica."
cote@fundspxress.com: "What's that?"
jplouis@fundsxpress.com:"...well, porn is like...porn. But erotica is like...
Penthouse Forum."
"I'd rather skin my dick, salt it, and eat it."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on using DBase
"In Austin, toilet paper has a URL on it--before use, not after."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"I trust everything I read on toilet paper."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com
"He'll also be my man-servent."
--zane@fundsxpress.com
"Future day isnt about drunkardness."
--aburns@fundsxpress.com
"I'm a full service CEO!"
--jaburns@fundsxpress.com
"Some times it's better to run over the cop."
-- hartmans@fundsxpress.com
"It's the electrical interference. Of course it can make you steril too."
-- jplouis@fundsxpress.com
someone@fundsxpress.com: "I think Sam needs a straw."
hartmans@fundsxpress.com: "No im just making slurping sounds."
"You know parts of this car are hard and others are soft."
--hartmans@fundsxpress.com
"Frued thought his mom was a hottie."
--mhat@fundsxpress.com
"Don't most girls want their panties to match their bras?"
--zane@fundsxpress.com overheard on the phone
scott@fundsxpress.com: "Flaming Ping of death!"
dorr@fundsxpress.com: "Did someone say 'Flaming Ping of Death'? What's that?"
daniel@fundsxpress.com: "Don't you remember, you had one over the weekend."
"Ah, yes, the AK-47. It's a weapon you give to a hundred pesants and say, 'Here go kill.' Actually
the Russians--well...ahh...I'll go into this later."
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on AK-47's
cote@fundsxpress.com: "I love doin' HTML but they never let me do it around
here anymore."
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "You mean they have you doing back-end stuff?"
cote@fundsxpress.com: "Well, I do front-end stuff, but that's all MIC and
code...it's not the same. It's like cutting coke with baking soda: it's just
not the same."
rakesh@fundsxpress.com: "Ooo, a wholesome lunch...er, dinner...no, breakfast. It's
all the same at FX!"
michael@fundsxpress.com: "What would you do if you had one week to live?"
chardin@fundsxpress.com: "There's no question about that, I'd run around
with brass knuckles punching people in the face. There's no question of that!"
"It's handholding all right, but the irritation of the knowledgeable is
less weighty than the stuckness of the clueless. <doesn't that sound
like a bad translation of an obscure idiom from some other language?>
Especially when they're paying customers :-)."
--richter@fundsxpress.com
"It's like your car saying, 'warning, you're about to hit a tree, but
thank goodness you're driving successfully'."
-- aburns@fundsxpress.com the debate about whether sucess can be indicated in multiple ways.
"Emacs...you know you can fry eggs with that."
"It's just a matter of knowing which META command to use."
"It'd amaze me if it weren't. And free it must remain! (Rememeber, I'm a
married guy. I can't go blowing my paychecks on domain names and loose women
like you young founding programmers can. :)"
--chardin@fundsxpress.com on fuckthelittlebabyjesusuphispinkasshole.com
"I kind of like the psycological effects of being yelled at."
--thom@fundsxpress.com on Basic Training
taalo:~>whois mybigstiffy.com
Registrant:
The Walt Disney Company (MYBIGSTIFFY-DOM)
500 S. Buena Vista Street
Burbank, CA 91521
Domain Name: MYBIGSTIFFY.COM
...
"But carrot tops are a lot less gross than pig assholes."
--cote@fundsxpress.com on Veggie-Dogs vs. Hot-Dogs.
mhat@fundsxpress.com: "I don't know that the idea of 'beta' chicken is all that good."
"I have considered their dual nature for sixty hours now, pausing only
for prayer and sleep. This is my conclusion:
Once there was a sword that floated down a river. The rain fell upon
it, but its surface was unmarred as it floated. The birds of the sky
dropped dirt on the sword, but it floated in perfection. Then the sun
came out. In anger, the sword leapt up and stabbed the sun in the
heart! And now the sun never dares to shine when the sword floats in
the river.
Can you add anything to that?"
--chardin@fundsxpress.com after too much thinking
mhat@fundsxpress.com: Not only does their coffee tasteless, they have
the worst coco i think I have ever experinced.
chardin@fundsxpress.com: I envy you, Mhat. I just drink cocoa. You experience it.
Matt: "You see, it says 'PC-Games' here, but its not 'PC-Games', if you open
it up, it's starcraft.."
"Chuck, if I see one more e-mail on linux, I'm gonna beat the
shit out of you."
--greggb@fundsxpress.com on "religious" threads.
"I should cut your hair, Sam; you can't see, so you wouldn't know how bad it looked."
--marta@fundsxpress.com
"CAM doesn't need to be tested, it either works or it doesn't."
--mhat@fundsxpress.com
"I think if I was a female, I wouldn't like to sleep with him."
--jann@fundsxpress.com
Rakesh : anyone want to go to Conans
Charles : I'm down with that!!!
Linda : dose that mean you don't want to go?
Charles : no, I'm down with that!
Linda : Is that Southpark lingo?
cowboyd [yell]: I am Tarzan
daniel: I'm sure as hell not Jane.
meburns@fundsxpress.com: 'man.. i dont want to go to that party.. there's gonna be beer..
people drinking i can tell already.. its not my thing.. i like to smoke
crack.. crack/cocaine...
meburns: This [Saturday Night Fever] is the movie that explains why I am the
way I am. (It's a movie about drugs and loose women.)
zane: I would be very interested in seeing that.
meburns: I am the guy in charge... at least until Arley shovs up.
"I fly 8,000 miles around the Earth just to be stuck in a room
with a bunch of nuts."
--jann@fundsxpress.com
"I don't think I have what it takes to be an Americain: I can't
lie and steal. Or, I should say, an Americain business man."
jann@fundsxpress.com
"I wouldn't be surprised if the world as we know it ends in
2000, but I'm not expecting it."
--hartmans@fundsxpress.com
"Hey Sam, I think we're hung. I checked when I went to the bathroom."
--cowboyd@fundsxpress.com
Mhat: "Why didn't you just open the door yourself?"
Zane: "Because I'm not wearing my pants."
jann@fundsxpress.com: "Linda, is this your perl book? It has David's name in it."
linda@fundsxpress.com: "No, my book has my name in it."
jann@fundsxpress.com to hartmans: "Somtimes I get the impression your on crack."
"Flash announcement: we have just made a deal with Cooks Shooting range.
We swapped some integration time for free shooting time. So if you're
interested in free shooting time at Cook's Shooting range, come ask
me about it."
--jaburns@fundsxpress.com shows why we'll never escape the fact that we live in Texas.
michael@fundsxpress.com: "Hey Mike, do you know about the New World
Order?"
meburns@mesas.com: "What? No...send me an e-mail."
"They just fill their beaks up with water and then squirt it
up their butt."
--aburns@mesas.com on "birds"
"When I think Security, I think Sam Hartman"
--cheryl@fundsxpress.com
"If I ask where the bathroom is, I don't need someone to say: It's
down the hall and to the right. Enter it, approach the toilet take
your right and and undo your zipper. Then gently remove your penis
from your underwear, being careful not to catch it on the metal of the
zipper. Point it at the toilet and slowly relax your bladder and make
small aim adjustments as necessary to ensure all the urine falls
inside the bounds of the bowl."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"You know what you should do? Complain to our system adminstrators; cause
it'll get fixed quick!"
--aburns@mesas.com in a rash of sarcasm
mhat@mesas.com: "... and when I do have $100, I usually have to think about other
things...like getting my cat's balls chopped off"
zane@mesas.com: "I don't have to think about things like that, but I like to."
"I'll talk to him, and as long as he agrees with me there won't be a
problem."
-- hartmans@mesas.com, on an upcoming meeting.
"You do not know the powers of Sam's Butt,"
--zane@mesas.com Sam's ability to reshape the foam of chairs.
"Scott Phillips: a man who apologizes when he yawns."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Did you know the term "Coffee 'n Donuts" originated at the
franchise Dunken Donuts."
--meburns@mesas.com
michael@mesas.com: "Sounds like you need a donut."
aburns@mesas.com: "No, I'm an electric paint sprayer."
mhat@mesas.com: "Pigfucker."
aburns@mesas.com: "Don't say that."
mhat@mesas.com: "Don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus."
aburns@mesas.com: "I am not Jesus, just one of his earthly representatives."
"I have a dream that one day we will be big enough to get good chairs."
--hartmans@mesas.com
jvalanju@mesas.com: "Hey did you ever see that Java thing
with the guy pissing on the F-15?"
michael@mesas.com: "Yeah."
jvalanju@mesas.com: "Well, Mike, that's what the web can do for us."
"Hey, you want some Pringles? They're a nasty flavor but they were ten cents off."
--scott@mesas.com
"They're actually really good; my uncle gave me some while
I was working on his septic system."
--dkim@mesas.com critiquing a particular brand of dog treat
"What will probably happen is I'll get back a 386 and
complain then they'll beat me."
--dkim@mesas.com on getting his computer back from the FBI
"Maybe they're taking a late lunch...or an early dinner."
--scott@mesas.com on the hour long Travelers hold
"Man, it's kind of pathetic that we're quoting
the setup section of a computer game.
Sometime it just feels too good to be a geek."
--michael@mesas.com on Warcraft.
"Remember kids, don't delete your own print jobs!"
--aburns@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: "Whhaa I turned on CAPSLOCK and my X stopped working."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Dude, that's awsome!"
"That's what they need: on the handle of the hamer it says,
'Bad gnuman.' 'Gnuman, get of my leg!'"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: Hello, FundsXpress.
caller: [something]
aburns@mesas.com: Our pleasure is your business.
mhat@mesas.com: The hostname can be almost infinite.
hartmans@mesas.com: No, it's limited to 255 characters.
mhat@mesas.com: I did say "almost."
"RealPig(tm): Squeels so Real!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"All I got to say is that Real Dolls are expensive."
--aburns@mesas.com
"And the not so popular, now discontinued, Real Wolverene."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Thanksgiving is for giving thanks not for taking time off."
--aburns@mesas.com on "vacation"
"I feel very comfortable with our quality. The problem is doing
quality control on shit. We get to wipe the butt after it's already
taken the dump."
--greggb@mesas.com
"Sam, Mr. Oh-My-God-I-Hope-I-Fill-My-Quota from Oracle is on line
one."
--brians@mesas.com
"That'd be a good name for a laxative: DumpXpress."
--michael@mesas.com
"Mesa, Nov 14, 5:09pm - Dan attempts to talk to Sam."
--aburns@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: "Wouldn't it be funny if instead of [perscription] bottles saying,
'Take with Food,' it said 'Take with Herion'?"
michael@mesas.com: "Or if it said, 'Take with a grain of salt'--what does that mean?"
"That's how it used to be: you'd be trying to go to UT and they'd
tear gas you."
--mmburns@mesas.com on UT in the 60's
greggb@mesas.com [using billpay]: "I'm going to pay my wife $1,000 for last night."
"Now, you see Kodak has the privlage of being
the number one polluter in New York State. Now
that's fuckin' hard core!"
--tommy@mesas.com
scott@mesas.com: "What are you laughing at?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "This code."
michael@mesas.com: "Are you serious?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Yeah. You wanna come see it Coté?"
"Is this my paycheck? No. No it's your paycheck Sam. I've
been using it to scribble notes on."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Makin' their way selling their bodies if they had to...
Well that's just a little bit more than I wanted to hear."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Dukes of Hazard
"You know I've thought about that. Instead of going to the day
labors, I'll just go around the corner and flash a few fifties.
You know those college kids are like that, 'Hey, skip class today.'"
--meburns@mesas.com on the Far West Shuttle Bus Stop
aburns@mesas.com: "Man, I need to send some mail to who ever wrote Apache
for not putting in a man page."
btrox@mesas.com: "Hhehhehhe"
scott@mesas.com: "Why is that funny?"
btrox@mesas.com: "It's just such an Arely thing to say."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "I really wish Michael would change his CVS; does michael-cvs
even exist any more"
hartmans@mesas.com: "No, why?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Now, I have to type cow before tab completion works."
"I think we should think of function first and then look. But no one is going
to listen to me..."
--hartmans@mesas.com on Bladerunner Office Scheme
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Dude, I met this girl Saterday night and she said her roomate buys plastic
dixie cups to poop in because she's too lazy to go to the bathroom."
aburns@mesas.com: "Oh, you made me a milk shake! Oooo!"
michael@mesas.com: "Does she put them under the bed or something?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "No, she puts them on the night stand."
michael@mesas.com: "Dude, you're not making this up? This is true?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "That's what her roomate said."
scott@mesas.com: "Microsoft and it's super-richowner Bill Gates are widely
admired by the general public."
aburns@mesas.com: "We're not the general public."
aburns@mesas.com: "What language are you learning?"
chedlin@mesas.com: "Uh, C++, it's requred."
aburns@mesas.com: "No...I meant spoken language."
michael@mesas.com: "Are you off to Rio?"
meburns@mesas.com: "No man, that's for after hours."
" It's like this. Okay we go out to go buy some cigs so we go to da
store and I see this fly chick and I'm busting my mac finding out shit
about her and then I notice da time and I say GodDaMn! I'm late so I say
see you later hoe and I rush to da court of food and I look and I look but
no Charles do I see.
Anyways. She was a Philo major. She was total fruit. I was joking
with her and I said "Everything is a watermellon" and she took me all
serious and started saying shit like : "That's so interesting. What makes
you say that?" So I justified my stance and shit. You should of heard me.
It was like I was French."
--dankim@mail.utexas.edu explains why he didn't show for lunch
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Cote', are you deleteing my hard drive?"
aburns@mesas.com: "Again?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "These crazy kids!"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "The Yard Birds or some kind of crap like that?"
scott@mesas.com: "Who are the Yard Birds?"
btrox@mesas.com: "Did he just ask who the Yard Birds are?"
aburns@mesas.com: "Write all this down Cote'!"
"Was Bob Marly a social activist? Or did he just smoke pot?"
--aburns@mesas.com
"`It's obvious that the users are going to do stupid things,
but the software shouldn't compensate for it.'"
--cowboyd@mesas.com paraphrasing one of the Good Software Design Sermons
aburns@mesas.com: "You're moving into an apartment with two girls?"
scott@mesas.com: "Joey and Jessica."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Really? Can I come over? A lot?"
"Did you know: When one wears silk boxers it's hard as hell to get you pants up?"
-scott@mesas.com
"What's the matter Colenel Sanders? Chicken?"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Sorry won't cut it this time Colonel Sanders."
--aburns@mesas.com
"You see you've got all these different things 110V, 225V, money,
expenses and I've found that the best way to circumvent these
social norms is to do a half-ass job."
--meburns@mesas.com on social norms
"The quentasental way of putting the situations is that it
was a half ass job. Huhhahhahu!"
--meburns@mesas.com on the Backroom Exhaust fan
"Alright, call me a Barbian, now I can't screw you in the butt?"
--cowboyd@mesas.com "The Roman Days"
"I'm celebrating being out of debt. I'm 600 plus baby!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Wouldn't it be wierd if everytime you took a step you had a reflex that
made you yell out: BEUUU BEUUU BEUUUUUU!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Here's my vision of the future, the ubermincsh: BEEUU BEUUUUUUU BEEEUUUUU!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"I think if you look at the cosmic aspect of things, a laxative would
make things better."
--cwoboyd@mesas.com
"You know what I always say Cote':
Take no prisoners!
Take no shit!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: "Dude if you like woke up one day and your butt was gone, what would
you do? What would be your first reaction."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "If my butt was gone? I'd say: 'Take no prisoners! Give no shit!'"
"That's why I'm really afraid of drugs, because I think I'm
already a little crazy. Like, sometimes I have hallucinations.
Like before I go to bed. Like I see this swarm of red dots and
they're casting this net out at me."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"They got hash tables there. Ha Hah."
--aburns@mesas.com on Berkely CS
"It's cool, we can use any language: C++ or Pascal...but you
wouldn't want to use Pascal...because...because it's 'French.'"
--aburns@mesas.com on CS 310
btrox@mesas.com: "Arley, Sam wants to talk to you."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Where is he anyway?"
btrox@mesas.com: "On line one."
michael@mesas.com: "He's in the net!"
"See, I used to have the perl book in there and I'd learn a new perl
function each time. But, the problem was, once I got to pack, I
had to spend like 30 mins. on the can."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Bathroom Reading
"With friends like those...why do you need enimas?"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Well, it's a Microsoft product.
You just have to kick it and hope it works."
--david@mesas.com
"Modems are too slow, and I had to get some work done, so I took the
Beamer connection."
--chedlin@mesas.com on a late night appearance
chedlin@mesas.com: "Everyone here seems so against VI!"
aburns@mesas.com: "Well, it's like talking about the virtues of your
Ford Pinto when you've got a Porche 911 in the garage."
"The tape drive on this thing costs more than my car."
--chedlin@mesas.com on The Alpha Server
michael@mesas.com: "I thought we were gonna go intimidate people."
zane@mesas.com: "No, that's later tonight. We've got to work."
"A 386, that's like a girl's machine."
--meburns@mesas.com
scott@mesas.com: "How do I pass a PGP key?"
michael@mesas.com: "I don't know. But you know what Scott?
you're the perfect drug."
"I'm reading the discovery of the new world, about Cortez, and
I'm realizing...it wasn't all fun and games."
--aburns@mesas.com
masonc@uclink4.berkeley.edu: "It was Charles. He called me 'butt fucker'"
aburns@mesas.com: "You know with Charles that's almost an honor."
masonc@uclink4.berkeley.edu: "Charles, you're fucking money and you don't even know it."
cowboyd: "Really? I don't know what the hell your talking about."
"Killing someone is probably easier than writing a perl script."
--masonc@uclink4.berkeley.edu
"Right, it is arbitrarily broken: the banking system does not
work."
--hartmans@mesas.com on Banking Software Standards
"You should be like vice-president around here."
--meburns@mesas.com about cowboyd@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Did you see Boobie Ball? It's only $30!"
zane@mesas.com: "Cheap!"
"That's not the type of item you want to be...community property."
--zane@mesas.com on the Mesa Real Doll idea
"Man we need to get a Mesa Real Doll."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on realdoll.com
"Can you see the classified ad for that? 'Used Real Doll'"
--brians@mesas.com
"So what kind of warranty do you get with this."
--brenna@mesas.com on the Real Doll
"Can you put it in the washing machine?"
--brians@mesas.com on realdoll.com
brenna@mesas.com:"Does the silicon flesh have an oder?"
brians@mesas.com:"Not when you get it, but it will after a while."
more realdoll.com talk
"Options, what kind of options are there?"
--brians@mesas.com on realdoll.com
"$4000? You can buy a hooker for less than that."
--brenna@mesas.com on realdoll.com
"Automatic customer setup can be achieved if the client has
the capability to provided Trav Express with an ASCII formatted text
file of their customer base."
that's like "if the client has the capability to breathe"
--jemorris@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Hey, there's a new usage thing in micpiler."
michael@mesas.com: "Uh..OK..why does it tell me a line number."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Ahh, shut up...I'll fix that."
"If I knew, I'd be closer to knowing."
--hartmans@mesas.com
"I've peed on an electric fence before. It didn't hurt, it was
a little tingly."
--peter@mesas.com
"C'mon baby... Suck it down!"
--brians@mesas.com while downloading a large file over the T1
aburns@mesas.com: "Oh [Boss Hogg] also owned the bank. See these
are the type of people we deal with."
hartmans@mesas.com: "...great..."
brenna@mesas.com: "Peter, Peter, Peter."
zane@mesas.com: "Pumpkin eater!"
"I need to get some deodorant or something. I'm sitting here smelling
myself and it ain't nice. I haven't taken a shower in three days."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"On my way to Mesa today I saw a funny bumper sticker:
England Forever
----------------
Scotland
A wee bit longer
But the first time i read it i though it said 'Scotland, We pee a bit longer'"
--scott@mesas.com
"I've got two kidneys. When one hardens up I'll have the other."
--zane@mesas.com on eating Salt
aburns@mesas.com: "Zane will just take salt packets and eat them."
zane@mesas.com: "When your young you just pee it out."
"It's like a bunch of elves running around in my head, I don't
like that."
--zane@mesas.com on the track two of disc on of Selected Ambient words Vol II
"I bet there's a place on the Internet where you can
say, 'stick that beer bottle up your butt' and they'll
do it."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Internet
michael@mesas.com: "I always wondered what the triple X
on alcohol meant."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "It means 'teen sex blow jobs.'"
"I mean we're in there for a patent case. That's a little bit of money
but it ain't my life. The Federal judge just sentenced those
coke runners: BOOM Thirty Years! BOOOM Twenty Years! BOOM Fifteen
years!"
--tommy@swoft.com
tommy@swsoft.com: "So the judge arrested them and put them in a room
and wouldn't let them out till they settled it."
hartmans@mesas.com: "Wait, is that legal?"
tommy@swsoft.com: "You know, it's federal judge: what are you gonna do run to mama?"
"It's like Spedos! I hate those. I guy in spedos is grose."
--brenna@mesas.com
"I was like, oh my God, I'd never wear spandex!"
--brenna@mesas.com
"Scott goes up and in a window,
Scott goes up and in a window,
Why he does we do not know!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"I just have this picture in my head of my uncle Leo
going in and out of a window and I didn't understand
why anyone would do that."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Every time I talk, I feel like I'm bothering someone."
zane@mesas.com: "Your not bothering me. I love your sweet voice."
"God, don't you wish Lietzke still worked here?"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"$cgi = CGI;
not conducive to creating new cgi objects."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"This is Peter's rule: if you can spend $50,000 dollars
on database software, you should be able to spend $1000
dollars on a nine gig fast wide SCSI. Oracle should be
able to invite over every core file in Austin for a
party."
--peter@mesas.com
"Why don't you call him on your cell phone so you can
both suck."
--hartmans@mesas.com on cell phones quality
"Brian! Your birthday is coming up! And you know what
we do with people! I have friends with big whips!"
--brenna@mesas.com
"Wouldn't that be disgusting if hair grew out of your screen?
I mean the last thing you want to do when your programming is
see a whole lot of hair growing out of your screen."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Boy when you get here at three the day goes friggin' fast"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"I mean I will admit--I am a fine specimen of the male species. But, to
bring up such topics in the hall is...inappropriate."
--cowbyod@mesas.com
"You can like the money you get from NT, but I don't think
you'd ever like NT."
--chedlin@mesas.com
peter@mesas.com: "They bound her up to a tree and whipped her with a rubber hose."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Really? Brenna hangs out with the most interesting people?"
"I think we should steal the chairs from Graphics. Just switch out the ones
we have here: the one with the screw, the broken arms..."
--scott@mesas.com
hartmans@mesas.com: "I don't think STAC wants to sell software to drug dealers."
chedlin@mesas.com: "Are you sure? I mean, we could upgrade the network with that
much money. STAC should just sell drugs; we'd make a ton!"
"Hey, you like my new electronic biker outfit? It's a nipple ring
and a static discharger."
--tommy@swsoft.com
"Programming myth #1: Users care about elegance."
--aburns@mesas.com on 'elegant coding'
"If we had 10 to the 12 bulls in here...wouldn't
that be terrible."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Why is there underwear on the open board?"
--Ruth
"Damn foreign keyboard."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on trying to type with a Spanish Keyboard
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Who are you talking with Sam?"
hartmans@mesas.com: "I'm talking to the Oracle hold music."
"I'm not making her code, she won't get off my lap."
--zane@mesas.com on--or, rather, under--Ruth
"The problem with stealing things from Arley is that he'll
just stoically sit there until one day he sends you to hell."
--mhat@mesas.com
"Hey, even A&M is better than China."
--greggb@mesas.com
"It's kind of sad when the big event of your day is checking e-mail,
and it turns out most of it is your own source changes."
--aburns@mesas.com
"I need to make a web site of some sorts so I can feel more
justified in complaing about other people's."
--thedward@mail.utexas.edu
"The first thirty minutes were funny, but the rest blew. And it's
not because I don't like lesbians...I do."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Chasing Amy
"Let all the prisoners out of jail...and if you have a problem with it,
go get 'em!"
--aburns@mesas.com on Richard Stalman
"Now Bill Gates isn't the Pope yet...but I wouldn't put it beyond him."
--aburns@mesas.com
brenna@mesas.com: "You know, dancing is the art of seduction. I'm gonna get laid tonight."
brians@mesas.com: "Exactly!"
"I've run out of Dr. Pepper..."
--chedlin@mesas.com
"What is it they said in the Godfather, 'You can make
more money with a brief-case than with a gun'?"
--tommy@swsoft.com
"Just think guys, you could apply your smarts for evil!"
--tommy@swsoft.com
chedlin@mesas.com: "But Dell is in bed with Microsoft."
zane@mesas.com: "Yeah, Microsoft gets you in bed and then screws
you up the ass!"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "We, are the tampons my friends..."
scott@mesas.com: "Did you say tampons?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Yes I did."
"They're all nuzzled up in Microsoft's Jockstrap. Up against
Bill Gates testicals. It's true that it's nice and warm in
there..but it smell like fungus. And that's a place I'd rather
not be."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Computer Trade Rags
"What did the mute say to the loan officer?
Nothing. Mutes don't talk."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Try all new Food brand food!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Foo--the bar that's got one baz of a taste."
--aburns@mesas.com
"My name is Sheradin, and you can stay in my room
for $140 a night..but don't steal the towels!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Like the whole idea of an administration, not bent on my
destruction, is totally foreign."
--aburns@mesas.com on UT
"My name's Garabaldie, but don't call me Garry."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "My name's Gerabaldie..."
aburns@mesas.com: "I'm just like Bruce Willis, but I don't make as much money."
"I stayed up till two reading Mutants Amok!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Sherman's Hot Bods... what's that?"
brenna@mesas.com: "Oh... um... a page of...links."
"I was an engineer...it blowed."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Mesa: it's OK in the short term."
--zane@mesas.com
jaburns@mesas.com: "So, if there's a fire its safe in the fire safe
for two hours at 4000 degrees or some weird ass temperature."
zane@mesas.com: "In case Mesa falls into the Sun!"
"They've already got a server push--it's called TV."
--brians@mesas.com
"So the Troxclair's house is our backup recovery site?"
jaburns@mesas.com: "Golly, exotic heifers."
michael@mesas.com: "No matter what we do, we can't
escape the fact that we're in Texas."
"I honestly think it should be called PGPToilet."
--hartmans@mesas.com on PGPPipe
"I'm just about tired of 'teen blow jobs' on alt.usage.english."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"I just am weary of any game that people say they've played for 12 hours and
never finished."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Civilization
"This makes me wish I had long hair. In high school I'd stand
in front of a mirror playing air guitar. There used to be a time
when I know the words to every Rush song."
--brians@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Dude! The new cperl rules!"
aburns@mesas.com: "The Sweeds have done it again."
hartmans@mesas.com: "Why are we excited to have more work."
aburns@mesas.com: "A question Sam has never asked himself before."
"I won't be home for dinner. We're having an implementation party."
-- hartmans@mesas.com
"This ought to be fun: I think I might have diarrhea."
--cowboyd@mesas.com, looking forward to the late night implementation party.
jaburns@mesas.com: "We need a runner... Mike? You got a car?"
meburns@mesas.com: "No, but I got me some new tennis shoes."
"It's two AM...it's time for your hard drive to go bonkers."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Like most perl modules it looks like it was written by a moron."
--hartmans@mesas.com
meburns@meas.com: "Do you know what you get when you put 12 programmers
in one room."
michael@mesas.com: "What?"
meburns@mesas.com: "A dozen programmers."
chedlin@mesas.com: "Who do I talk to about getting more RAM for this machine?"
hartmans@mesas.com: "God would be a good start."
cowboyd@meas.com: "Basically I only eat things that are made in Germany. Like my BMW. If
I'm really feeling like something heavy I'll go ahead and eat the crankshaft."
chedlin@mesas.com: "A BMW seems like an awfully expensive snack."
"Reading letters from CFI is like reading letters from the King of Assyria."
--aburns@mesas.com
hartmans@mesas.com: "Any body got a computer that can do 200 to the 10th
calculations real quick?"
btrox@mesas.com: "Left my CRAY at home."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "I got my DICK!"
michael@mesas.com: "They just decided that vrmall.com sounded dumb."
scott@mesas.com: "Oh! And shopus.com is much better."
aburns@mesas: "Wow, the Hong Kong Democrates have vowed to
protest in front of the new government."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Yeah, and get promptly shot."
michael@mesas.com: "'Good bye and good luck.'"
aburns@mesas.com: "If you hadn't lost the FXAPI--"
zane@mesas.com: "If I hadn't trusted you Bozo's--"
aburns@mesas.com: "That was your first mistake."
zane@mesas.com: "Isn't printing supposed to be working on umgah?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Ahh, you are guilty of wrongthink."
"The only thing that's coming out of the printer is a recipe for...ficasia bread?"
--zane@mesas.com
hartmans@mesas.com: "I could do it the NetBSD way and send out
a digest every day. But that would require work."
zane@mesas.com: "We try to avoid that at Mesa."
"I was writing in my time, and I wrote 'writing fxack
bugs.' I meant fixing. Ha."
--aburns@mesas.com
"DISK QUOTA GOT YOU DOWN? SNAP IT TO A NET MOUNT!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Wouldn't it be nice if we could just do our time tickets over the web?"
michael@mesas.com: "That'd be so nice I'd pee in a cup and drink it."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Cote' you're a genius, you have such a way of putting things."
"You can't spell Puritan Cote'? What are you some sort of bearded man."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Litearly to talk about someone going out to get a load of horse crap
and then go back to magazine central, and then sell it--that
sets me off!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Bytes NT vs. UNIX article
"They're a monopoly--they don't have to be good."
--hartmans@mesas.com on InterNIC
"I don't like the outside."
--hartmans@mesas.com on 'This Great Earth of Ours'
"It's not a lie. It's just the intelligent presentation of information."
--jaburns@mesas.com on Managing Expectations
aburns@mesas.com: "How do they get away with selling 15" monitors that
are only 13.5" inches?"
michael@mesas.com: "They Manage Your Expectations."
"If it's a surrender flag, that's great--then we'll sue them!"
--gregg@mesas.com on CFI
"'Hey, I'm a football player, there's no bluffing here.'"
--gregg@mesas.com quoting jaburns@mesas.com
"Yeah, now I just have to put in that bogus passport shit."
--michael@mesas.com on status of fxack login screen
"And remember: Mike Burns is not a sheep. He is a possum out to get all the
coons in this building. They will not prevail. They did not prevail in
the Phillipines, and they did not prevail at the Lipton Tea Fest."
--aburns@mesas.com in a Mike Burns Moment
"If you don't shit right now, I'll kill ya!"
--masonc@uclink4.berkeley.edu on flies and the food chainxm
"For the longest time I couldn't snap with both hands. Then in
9th grade, wow, I could snap. I still can't snap with my left
hand though."
--scott@ruby.ph.utexas.edu
hartmans@mesas.com: "So what are we going to discuss at this meeting?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "My butt."
"The problem with perlpod is it sucks."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"You can say: I feel fine because I got a new hat. That's one way
of saying fine. You can say: I was fined by a local peace officer
the other day. That's another way of saying fine. You can say:
The wood has a fine grain. There are many things that fine
can mean."
--meburns@mesas.com
"How did Charle's drivers license end up in my shoe?"
--hartmans@mesas.com
"See that's the problem with today's world: some people mistake
a hand-off for a physical attack."
--benKid
"Maybe I should just leave this underwear on Brian's chair."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Yeah I got it from someone...who...lives out of this time zone."
--benKid on underwear
"Look Ben...I'm in a towel."
--aburns@mesas.com
"You know what they call that? Instant...instant death. That's real
fast."
--meburns@mesas.com on being killed by lighting
"Wouldn't it be great if we didn't have to deal with time?"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Dude, I wiped it off on my pants."
--cowboyd@mesas.com: The Booger.
"So Arely, do you know what Sam means by my machine is 'fucked'?"
--zane@mesas.com
"The ball of pure fun is stinky."
--zane@mesas.com
"He also said that he could stuff my stocking with
all kinds of good stuff and I really didn't like the
sound of that."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on meburns@mesas.com
"Look! If you'll give me pease I can debug and we can leave!"
--zane@mesas.com on insistances to go to diner
"Of course every other scene is a sex scene...but it's bizarre,
there's this one scene where the guy is doing to wound in the
back of a ladies leg."
--joshk@mesas.com on CRASH
"Now here's the intresting part: if we were in an Asian culture,
we'd make this track out of bamboo shoots."
--meburns@mesas.com on the net-wire track
"There is a mint--the buck started there."
--meburns@mesas.com
"I don't think I have enough passwords. I think I'm
insecure."
--zane@mesas.com
"This retirement estimater asks you to estimate the age
you'll die..."
--zane@mesas.com on Loan Calculaters
brenna@mesas.com: "I thought it was funny, she might be saying:
'Get the fuck away` and it comes out `I love you, write me.`"
zane@mesas.com: "Ahh, common errors of English learners..."
michael@mesas.com: "What's a j-box?"
meburns@mesas.com: "It's like skid row."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "You ever get the feeling there's something going on and
there not telling us."
aburns@mesas.com: "Yeah, and then I stop watching the X-Files."
"Have you ever just felt your butt?"
--zane@mesas.com
"Man, it's too bad Sammy Davis, Jr. is dead, we could send him down there."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on how to win the Drug War in South American
"I just thought of that on my way home: 'You win a shinny new afro!'"
--cowbyod@mesas.com
"It's great traveling across the country. You can see the country side
change from 'We're going to car-jack you,' to 'YEEEEHAAA! I'M AN OAKIE
FROM MASKOKIE!'"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: "If you know regular expressions-"
michael@mesas.com: "You wield a lot of power."
btrox@mesas.com: "Either that...or you go crazy."
zane@mesas.com: "Arely, you are the man."
aburns@mesas.com: "No...God is the man."
"Look guy, I'm gonna send message.fist to your face."
--zane@mesas.com
"We're never done. We just leave when we leave. There's always an infinate
amount of programing to be done."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Whoo...man...how did I get here?"
--meburns@mesas.com walks through the programing den
"You see, both our women are going to be away this summer. So we'll
be spending all our time compiling and configuring in front of a screen.
One day I'll be like: 'Cote' I GOT IT TO COMPLIE!'"
--aburns@mesas.com on the upcoming Summer of 1997
aburns@mesas.com: "Blessed is the man who does not charge interest...or
charge exsessive tolls."
michael@mesas.com: "Ahhh, now back to programing that On-Line Banking System."
"Yeah, thats pretty good. If you can make your own cloths your
on your way to self reliance."
--aburns@mesas.com
Ruth: "Do you wanna see my shorts?"
aburns@mesas.com: "Uh...that sounds odd."
"Duh!! I can't believe it took them this long to figure it out,
basically MS Offic97 is a $400+ Virus."
--brians@mesas.com in responce to CMP's finding of bugs in Office97
"Ohh...I think the syrup in this disk has something to do with it not
working."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Hey, I found the secret to CFI programing! You've gotta be drunk!"
--aburns@mesas.com int he voice of TV's Barnie
michael@mesas.com: "So you just drink it, huh?"
aburns@mesas.com: "Well, either that or you just pour it over
you're head and fall onto the floor and vomit."
"Oh...its twist off."
--aburns@mesas.com after banging on the lid of a Shiner
michael@mesas.com: "I'm starting to get a-hang of this vi thing."
zane@meas.com: "Now you can be a UNIX geek."
"You know the worst thing you can do in a programming environment?
Express you're opinion."
--meburns@mesas.com
"So far everything's hunkie dorie...but nothing works."
--btrox@mesas.com on Mesa's T1
"Dude, this is UNIX, I can get it for free. Everything's been stolen."
--aburns@mesas.com
"JavaScript is like a programing script with all the intresting things...taken out."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Ok, whats the difference between cocaine and vi? You can quit vi."
--aburns@mesas.com vi joke one
"OK, whats the difference between an HP9000 and a snail? A snail doesn't
take 800 waits of power."
--aburns@mesas.com
"I think when we ask that daily question, `Where would we be without vi,'
now we know the answer."
--aburns@mesas.com while using vi
"Man, vi exists because people were fed up with punchcard so they said: `We must
have something better!' so they made vi and then they said `This is not any better!'"
--aburns@mesas.com
"What the hell is this? A birth seat? I don't know if I like something jabing up my ass.
I don't know if I like this piece of shit at all. It'll damn near give you hard on!"
--tommy@swsoft.com on holland@zilker.net's chair
"Wow, this is fun, you can scroll down and make lines disapear."
--aburns@mesas.com on the wonders or vi.
"Ahh, my other krimper broke, and this one's just a piece of shit...I
can't krimp no cable."
--david@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: "Yeah, we just need to type up a little thing in emacs."
michael@mesas.com: "Odd that we would use emacs to type up something for vi."
aburns@mesas.com: "Yeah, well emacs is...better."
michael@mesas.com: "I thought you were seriously thinking of not using emacs anymore."
aburns@mesas.com: "It was brief thought."
"I'm seriously thinking of not using Emacs anymore."
--aburns@mesas.com on life decisions
aburns@mesas.com: "It's intuitivly UNIX."
michael@mesas.com: "Yeah, as in hard to use."
michael@mesas.com: "I mean in my mental nose, I had a really
good smell of corn bread."
zane@mesas.com: "Man...I wouldn't go tellin' people that..'I got the
smell of corn in my mind.'"
"Zane knows these things because he goes to Rice."
--aburns@mesas.com on Zane's T1 knowlege
"Look, I'm not used to this R-macs...I mean emacs...damn!"
--zane@mesas.com
"I've come up with a new slogan: FundsXpress...it's Fun Express!"
--michael@mesas.com
"Why, you've got the nipple on the TV."
--zane@rice.edu on the Gillian Anderson Hard Copy episode
"See, now people are gonna see my quotes and think: `Zane, he's
not funny.'"
--zane@rice.edu
"The Tony Llama story...is he the boot guy?"
--zane@rice.edu
"Free lance Coding: If you can find them. Man Free lance coding, that just
sounds like something out of a science fiction."
--zane@rice.edu on TeamDev
"The Germans will learn English to build powerful weapons to attack their
weak neighbors with."
--aburns@mesas.com on why Germans learn English
zane@rice.edu: "Belair,isn't that a nice part?"
holland@zilker.net: "Phh..man, there's no good part of Houston."
"New York City is cool. If it didn't smell so much, I'd work there."
--aburns@mesas.com
"What they're gonna do is teach me to breath. It's to reduce my
stress and calm me down. What would really help is to get the
Java applets done, some contracts written up, and the cash
flowing in."
--holland@zilker.net
"I mean how do they expect to have romance without lies? My God,
I mean someone has to write the scripts."
--holland@zilker.net
"If you can spell Java out there, they'll give you a job for
a $100,000 out there."
--holland@mesas.com
"I wish Hillery'd tell me things. I could use a little of that attention."
--holland@zilker.net
"Wittgenstein...that sounds like a beer brand. He should be making
beer instead of writing poetry."
--aburns@mesas.com
"'This document cannot be disclosed to anyone without written material.'
Too Bad I didn't sign anything."
--aburns@mesas.com
"The amount of drugs he's on is probably proportional to
the amount of people he knows at Eden Matrix."
--aburns@mesas.com
"With Charles, I mean he had a life. But if boots had to be done, he'd
stay for boots to be done."
--aburns@mesas.com on dedication
"Sam, they havn't been able to code for week! 'Let them eat BSDI!'"
--aburns@mesas.om
"Hey! Let's send a copy of this to the lawyers too!"
--jaburns on misc. papers.
"I've been in WebPB and looked at all the balances and accounts. I've
been enjoying it."
--jaburns@mesas.com
micheal@mesas.com: "OK, here's the big philosphical question of the evening: do I
list the hats and the shirt above or below the meat?"
aburns@mesas.com: "Below, meat comes first."
"This is like fine bred, beer fed Japanese cows your getting."
--michael@mesas.com on Louie Meuller $599.00 Package
"You gotta have Nazis with Indian Jones movies or it just doesn't
work."
--michael@mesas.com on Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom
"When I was a kid I saw this biker come up to the gas station and put the
nozel up to mouth and gargle gasoline. He came up to the register and said:
'My old lady will kill me if I come home drunk so I gargle on gasoline. Is
there any charge?' And we said, 'No...no charge.'"
--holland@zilker.net
"I just spent about half an hour finding a typo. That was fun."
--aburns@mesas.com on debuging
thedward@mesas.com: "About Gateway buying Amiga..they're gonna build
a new model of Amiga".
aburns@mesas.com: "Why?"
thedward@mesas.com: "Pretty swank, eh?"
aburns@mesas.com: "Yeah, about ten years ago."
"Not every guy can run over his own foot...Todd's something special."
--aburns@mesas.com
"When ever you're here I don't do any work."
--michael@mesas.com to jvalanju@mesas.com
"Yeah, this is best viewed with any browser 'cause it's crap."
--michael@mesas.com
"On the one hand, I'm hard to impress. On the other hand, I'm right."
--hartmans@mesas.com on why he things most Computer Companies are stupid
"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to Randalls to buy a head of
lettuce, then I am going to eat it for lunch"
--meburns@mesas.com
"I think it's amusing. That's why I paint."
--meburns@mesas.com
"I thought it was those strippers from the Red Rose!"
--meburns@mesas.com on door bell sounds
"You gonna live here Mikey, you gotta give me some money. I'm not
your landlord I'm your protection! You understand what's going on here
Mike? We got all this protection."
--meburns@mesas.com
"The pigmey hour with Mike Burns!"
--meburns@mesas.com
"Now, the Empire did a lot of good things for the universe--promoted
merchant trade, established outposts--but it also had a dark
side. Same thing with Microsoft and Intel."
--aburns@mesas.com
"That's just a Coke, but its a big bottle for a kid."
--meburns@mesas.com
"Man, I don't wanna risk crossing the street and getting run over."
--meburns@mesas.com on why he's not going to the market
"You did a good job `whampoling.' Do you know what whampoling is?
It's when you take out your thing and go `wham!'"
--david@mesas.com on getting good Tech Support
greggb@mesas.com: "Are you calling from a McDonalds playland."
jaburns@mesas.com: "No, and airport."
greggb@mesas.com: "Well I hear kids and stuff."
jaburns@mesas.com: "Well, you know, it's an airport."
"If you've got more than two dots in your names, you're
doing something wrong."
--michael@mesas.com on URLs
"You know what you need? You need a full page add out of Time magazine
for Johnson's floor wax. Then you lay in it in the scanner and put it
up on your screen. Then when you get the product you can hold it up
to the screen and see if you got the real thing."
--meburns@mesas.com on who-knows-what
"You know what we used to do to people who complained during the war?
We shot 'em."
--aburns@mesas.com on Ed's complaint
"Unix programmers are like the Jedi, and Microsoft is like the Empire,
and right now we are having the Clone Wars."
--aburns@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: "You know when you put a shell up to your ears-"
thedward@mesas.com: "You can hear the kernel compiling."
"Moving furniture is like a good woman. Yoy have to get up under
and push real hard."
--joshk@flash.net, Moving Furniture Maxim One
joshk@flash.net: "Moving furniture is like a good bowel movement."
michael@mesas.com: "Yeah, you have to push a lot, but ultimately
it's satisfing."
"In fact you could ditch your girlfriend and get a Spanish girl
friend. Now that would be smart."
--holland@zilker.net on why to take Spanish
"Women and drinking...and Spain. Spain. A little bit of France,
but not much."
--holland@zilker.net on Hemingway
"Automatic butt? Wasn't that a rap song in 1989?"
--joshk@mesas.com
"What? I'm high on Mesa."
--michael@mesas.com
"Then there's this part where he takes out a rabbit and
uses it to analy masterbate...scientifically speaking."
--michael@mesas.com on Spike and Mikes Twisted animation festival
"Shit, my buttons never did anything."
--jaburns@mesas.com on his Executive Phone buttons
"Yeah you have a display screen but only two rows of buttons."
--david@mesas.com on the difference between the Buisness and Excutive
class phone
"You know this LiveWire stuff....it just looks really bad."
--michael@mesas.com
michael@mesas.com: "Do you think we can install the LiveWire server
so I can play with it?"
thedward@mesas.com: "Do you want to install it?"
michael@mesas.com: "I'll take that as a 'no.'"
"Is this what took them a year to figure out? How to read a page?"
--michael@mesas.com on CFI's reports that it took them year to figure
out how to do C calls in JavaScript after finding it in the LiveScript Manual
"Look, anyone who's going to be using Lynx isn't going to buy anything."
--michael@mesas.com on why Lynx support is silly for comercial sites
thedward@mesas.com: We could just keep all the mail in the Oracle
Database!
hartmans@mesas.com: And you could fuck me with a chainsaw.
"I used emacs back in 1975 guys."
--holland@zilker.net
"Plan II is silly...it should be blown out of the water."
--holland@zilker.net
"It ain't no Yoo-Hoo."
--joshk@mesas.com on Chocolate Solider Drink
"I know it wasn't strange like cows flying or something, but it was strange."
--thedward@mesas.com on the Oracle Comercial
"You don't even have to suck on it, just slide it on in there...boy that sounds obscene."
--michael@mesas.com on how to make that popping sound with your thumb and mouth
holland@zilker.net: "Is Ed a rapper?"
michael@mesas.com: "No. The only thing Ed wraps is left overs."
"NT is a piece of junk."
--holland@zilker.net
meburns@mesas.com: "What I need to do is play some pool."
michael@mesas.com: "Do you play pool mike?"
meburns@mesas.com: "Apearently, that's what they tell me."
"You know what mike needs. He needs to be rotating tapes. Those big reals: he needs to be
changing those all day back there. Screw this new technology."
--holland@zilker.net advices
"Do you know how to impress everyone in the lab? Empty the pencil
sharpner frequently. It's kinda like taking out the trash, but on the
micro level."
--meburns@mesas.com
"You need some babies Cote'. Nineteen years old, going to college...and a Mamma."
--holland@zilker.net advises Cote'
"I need a new woman. Trade your woman in every few years."
--holland@zilker.net on girlfriends
"What you really need is a really alert parking attendent."
--meburns@mesas.com on how to succusfully work with Banks
"When go to England, you know, you need to know how to speak both types of English."
--meburns@mesas.com
"Eeeeeww..."
--josh@mesas.com after taking a bite out of a moon pie.
"You know what we should do? We should go find 500 Chronicals and fill out my name
for everything. Best female vocalist? Josh."
--josh@mesas.com
"The Grammy's are such shit. They just nominate who ever they think will get the
most viewers."
--josh@mesas.com
"YEAH I DEVELOPED A NEW TECHNEQUE: THE THREE FINGER JERK OFF!"
--josh@mesas.com after looking through Protnoy's Complaint
"David Burns continues to hold on line four."
meburns@mesas.com on David in a holding pattern around Mesa's Voice-Mail system.
meburns@mesas.com: "I don't have anything to do this morning..."
michael@mesas.com: "Ok."
meburns@mesas.com: "...just wanted to let you know."
"My hut? It's above my mom's attic. It's what we call a 'playroom.'"
--meburns@mesas.com
holland@zilker.net: "So Mike, what did you do over the holidy?"
meburns@mesas.com: "I died and suffered."
holland@zilker.net: "You sure you don't want something to land on?"
meburns@mesas.com: "Nahh, I got shoes."
"Thats like flatening a penny on the rail road tracks: the person who pays is the treasury department."
--meburnas@mesas.com on a poor wire strining job.
"You can hold a lot of water in your mouth!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"What is this unaboob thing?"
--joshk@mesas.com
"Maybe I oughta tatoo my gentalia."
--joshk@mesas.com
"What ever happened to the sweater for two?"
--joshk@mesas.com
"Ahh, if we could only go back to the days when it was fashionable for women to have
four legs."
--joshk@mesas.com
"At Mesa we have more perl programers than competent people."
--hartmans@mesas.com meaning to say "competent in C"
"See they need to call the hardrive butt so you can say: My butt just go wiped."
--joshk@mesas.com
joshk@mesas.com: "What the hell is this crap?"
michael@mesas.com: "Its the crap that's going to crawl up your ass and die."
"Yeah well, Sam's a communist."
--jvalanju@mesas.com on Sam closing the window
hartmans@mesas.com: "Of cource, once you've heard of OT1, you'll die."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Ah, shit. Why'd you have to tell us Sam?"
"Well mama if that machine 's going down,
Then I'm logging out..."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
hartmans@mesas.com: "Whats wrong?"
mhat@mesas.com: "Vorlon's gone insane, it isn't reconizing the network."
hartmans@mesas.com: "You havn't pluged in the network--"
mhat@mesas.com: "You know, that would make a difference!"
"More about swadling cloths latter..."
--meburns@mesas.com
"Matt's insane...I think we're all insane around here."
--thedward@mesas.com
michael@mesas.com: "Uh, did someone page me with this number."
Telephone Lady: "Yeah, Jr. said he wants more toilet paper for the building."
michael@mesas.com: "Uh, I'm not the toilet paper person."
Telephone Lady: "Then how is Jr. going to get his toiler paper?"
michael@mesas.com: "I think you have the wrong number."
aburns@mesas.com: "TOILET PAPER! TOILET PAPER!"
michael@mesas.com: "Uh, sorry about that."
Dave Holland: "Herr Knop!"
mhat@mesas.com: "I don't speak German by the way."
aburns@mesas.com: "Ask Bill Gates what why he doesn't support 100 Java."
jaburns@mesas.com: "Na I'm gonna ask him [Bill Gates] what its like to be the
richest man in the world!"
aburns@mesas.com: "Biggest dork in the world."
"Trust me, I'm a sysadmin..fffthhh"
--aburns@mesas.com
"The thing with people trying to tell you what to do on a computer
is they tell you step by step so you don't know if all the sudden:
`Oh no! Liquid pornography.'"
--aburns@mesas.com
"Stop me if you've heard this one before: YOU RULE!"
--joshk@mesas.com to michael@mesas.com
"Dude I think I just urinated all over myslef...well, maybe not."
--joshk@mesas.com
"Oh man, I just hope it doesn't dump core."
aburns@mesas.com, in regards to running his newly compiled C++ program.
"Oh your in that damn linux stuff, thats your problem."
--david@mesas.com
"Rember ccapp...thats why we're still around. If it wasn't for ccapp we wouldn't have
a job."
--aburns@mesas.com
"`Well the French are the whores of Europe. Always have been, always will be.'"
--aburns@mesas.com quoting Phil Lowell
"Can you just put it on the network...let me guess. That doesn't work."
--joshk@mesas.com
"Heh, heh...Earful of Wax...heh heh."
--aburns@mesas.com on Spoofs
aburns@mesas.com: "So how do you like this new Accelerated X?"
michael@mesas.com: "I like it better than my shorts."
mhat@mesas.com: "It was sometime around six this monring when I wasn't really asleep
or awake--"
michael@mesas.com: "Uh, kinda like when you really need to pee, but you don't want to get up?"
"You know what I say to you Chavas! Uvas! Muchas Uvas!"
--aburns@mesas.com with Grape in Hand
"You know, no matter how good your triumphs or how miserable your defeats, there's
approximately 1.2 billion Chinese who couldn't care less."
--aburns@mesas.com, on Charlie's mail signature
"I can do a glotilized T: T-ch!"
--thedward@mesas.com
"Smells like a wet ass."
--michael@mesas.com on Ed's Espresso
joshk@mesas.com: "Novacane for my butt."
michael@mesas.com: "Yeah what would happen if you put Rogain on your butt."
joshk@mesas.com: "No, I said novacane."
"You know it's just one damn project after another"
--aburns@mesas.com quoting a coffee mug
"Watcha ya otta do...is move all the chairs from the
ofice...and put them in the Men's room...and come here
early in the morning and watch the people running around
frantically."
--josh@mesas.com in one of his late night wacky moods
"No it was because I was interested in like paying attention
in class. And that wasn't as important as, like, being
able to run over someone."
--josh@mesas.com on why he wasn't Popular in School
"Check out this new thing Ed did...oh..oh..it doesn't work!"
--michael@mesas.com
"Just find some dominetrix chick and put my head on it"
--brenna@mesas.com on her ideal movie poster
"I got dibs on the can after Charles!"
--josh@mesas.com
michael@mesas.com: "I mean, look at these guys, they're
strait out of the eighties!"
jayvalanju@mesas.com: "They're German, so they're a little
behind, give 'em a break!"
--On Die Tooten Hos
mason@daedulus.com: "I'm fucking hungry"
brenna@mesas.com: "Who's hungry"
mason@daedulus.com: "He's a very small dwarf in my pants."
"Go animate something."
--jvalanju@mesas.com to josh@mesas.com
michael@mesas.com: "Why are your hands so calloused."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "BECAUSE I'VE BEEN JACKING OFF!"
josh@mesas.com: "Do they ever let you out of this room."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "They never let me out."
"Ha Ha Haaa, I'm drunk with the power."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on the Power of Emacs
"Emacs is like an HP Lovecraft story. It starts out as a
mysterious entity; soon you begin to toy with it, foolishly
thinking you can control it, and before you know it you're
gaining the knowledge to tap into an ancient, evil and
all-consuming power that should never be known by man."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"I WILL LIVE IN EMACS FOREVER!"
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"I like the feel of a warm fart."
--josh@mesas.com
"You misspelled masturbation."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
"Lets kick that dog in the stomach and see if it vomits."
--josh@mesas.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Man I'm just craving Conan's today."
josh@mesas.com: "What? Craving gonands?"
"Na, I'm all out of rubber bands. I just spit my last one."
--cowboyd@mesas.com
aburns@mesas.com: "Ed would never be satisfied with a film.
If there was fender on a car thatwasn't right..."
thedward@mesas.com: "Actually in Mr. Hollands Opusthere was
a late model bug..."
"They all had clean teeth. OK, maybe Jesus Christ the son of
God would have clean teeth, but the rest of them...I don't think,
in that time, they'd have clean teeth."
--thedward@mesas.com on flaws in Jesus Christ SuperStar the movie
david@mesas.com: "The thing you have to remember about Mike is
that he thinks completely different than you ad I."
aburns@mesas.com: "Yeah, he sees you and thinks: 'Rabbit.'"
"You know what they're doin' out back don't you? They're shoveling
shit and crying."
--michael@mesas.com
"Any program your going to get it going to pale against 3D Studio"
--aburns@mesas.com on buying new rendering software
michael@mesas.com: "Your the man."
josh@mesas.com: "I like to think so."
meburns@mesas.com: "Hey, Mike..are you in the mood to shovel shit and cry?"
michael@mesas.com: "Uh, maybe later today..."
meburns@mesas.com: "Ok. I'll keep a slot open."
"No, but we plan to invest in several blue chip stocks, and some shit chip stocks..."
--dan@io.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "
``Now, come here, come here. At big bend they've only had
twenty inches of rain they're bears there that would
kill you. Why don't you come down here and we'll get a few.''
Uh, I don't think I can make it I've got work and all.
``Now Charlie, do you know what it's like to live with one egg?
Cause I'm gonna castrate you if you don't come.''"
michael@mesas.com: "Isn't that illegal, to hunt it big bend."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "No, this is on the Mexican side."
"I'm the man. Whoo, have I told you that recently?"
--josh@mesas.com
"Can you snard?"
--aburns@mesas.com
"I'm actually gonna say no and put this gum back in the pack.
We're about to eat pizza and I don't want to ruin my palette."
--josh@mesas.com
"Which slot does this go into?"
--josh@mesas.com
"Oooo, I don't like the sound of that: 'just clean off the scanner
when you're done.'"
--aburns@mesas.com
michael@mesas.com: "You always gotta be suspicious when an
evangelist runs for president."
josh@mesas.com: "Or a politician."
aburns@mesas.com: "Boy, Josh is just full of wit."
josh@mesas.com: "I'm telling you, it's the gum."
"'But they don't know I'm a trained killing machine.'
And he cooks a wicked pot of pork and beans."
--michael@mesas.com on Steven Segal
"Have a stick of gum, it'll shut ya up."
--josh@mesas.com
"If I wanted to hear out of an ass I'd fart."
--josh@mesas.com
"Have you ever cut off a pound of your own flesh? Now that hurts."
--josh@mesas.com
"It's like the Postal Service says: `Alright we got 40% on-time delivery. You can
either like it...or like it...HA!'"
--michael@mesas.com
"Ed, you know that there is no Hacker movie in the history of the universe that will
ever satisfy you."
--aburns@mesas.com in response to thedward@mesas.com
"You be messin' with my stick you be messin' with me."
--thedward@mesas.com
"It's gonna be 'Another Song about Mexico'. Charles is gonna call and say: 'Oh, dude, you
know how I came down here to see a wedding? Well, I thought: 'Hey, pretty good idea.'"
--aburns@mesas.com on cowboyd@mesas.com in Mexico
"Back in 1986 when I was working in London the guy I worked for required me to wear a tie.
I said: `Chris if you're going to require me to wear a tie then I get to choose them.' I
had eight fish ties. Heeeehhhh."
--david@mesas.com
"Yeah, I saw this one movie where this guy had a stutter and he hit him on the back of the
head and then he didn't have a stutter anymore."
--aburns@mesas.com on John Wayne
"You know what just blows my mind? How it is in X that these buttons can be pressed sometime
and launch the program and then pressed some other times and not."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Howz can you be named Poe when youse some rich famous movie star?"
--aburns@mesas.com on Poe
michael@mesas.com: "Man I can't get this shit to work."
aburns@mesas.com: "If I were you I wouldn't try to get the shit to work, I'd just flush it!"
michael@mesas.com: "I think American businesses should introduce siestas"
thedward@mesas.com: "The thing is, we have this thing in American called Air Conditioning."
"Wouldn't it be nice if, every now and then, you could explain something to a compiler.
Like: `Hey, this file is over here' and it would say `Oohhh, I see, lemmie try that again,
sorry for the inconvenience."
--michael@mesas.com
"What do you mean whatta am I takin' about...there's mashed potatoes all over the floor here."
--aburns@mesas.com
"Mama did always call me sweet tooth."
--aburns@mesas.com
"What the freak does this mean? I'm thinking he's talking to some third world country woman
who lives in this little village. I'm thinking: is she in some little desert camp somewhere
fleeing from Israeli bombing? A refugee? What does this mean?"
--aburns@mesas.com on Tom Petty's song "Refugee"
"Everything should work, but it just doesn't"
--michael@me
Subject: Clothing Comment
Date: Thu, 02 Dec 1999 10:16:33 -0600
From: Michael Cote' 
"I don't care if it gives great blow jobs; I still think I'm going to
prefer Zane to QA software."
--mhat@fundsxpress.com
cowboyd@mesas.com: "Dude, I met this girl Saterday night and she said her roomate buys plastic
dixie cups to poop in because she's too lazy to go to the bathroom."
aburns@mesas.com: "Oh, you made me a milk shake! Oooo!"
michael@mesas.com: "Does she put them under the bed or something?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "No, she puts them on the night stand."
michael@mesas.com: "Dude, you're not making this up? This is true?"
cowboyd@mesas.com: "That's what her roomate said."
michael@mesas.com: "I thought we were gonna go intimidate people."
zane@mesas.com: "No, that's later tonight. We've got to work."
"I bet there's a place on the Internet where you can
say, 'stick that beer bottle up your butt' and they'll
do it."
--cowboyd@mesas.com on Internet
"Mesa: it's OK in the short term."
--zane@mesas.com
"If you don't shit right now, I'll kill ya!"
--masonc@uclink4.berkeley.edu on flies and the food chainxm
mason@daedulus.com: "I'm fucking hungry"
brenna@mesas.com: "Who's hungry"
mason@daedulus.com: "He's a very small dwarf in my pants."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "
``Now, come here, come here. At big bend they've only had
twenty inches of rain they're bears there that would
kill you. Why don't you come down here and we'll get a few.''
Uh, I don't think I can make it I've got work and all.
``Now Charlie, do you know what it's like to live with one egg?
Cause I'm gonna castrate you if you don't come.''"
michael@mesas.com: "Isn't that illegal, to hunt it big bend."
cowboyd@mesas.com: "No, this is on the Mexican side."
aburns@mesas.com: "Boy, Josh is just full of wit."
josh@mesas.com: "I'm telling you, it's the gum."
